Laser Time’s WrestleMania 33 Predictions – Make Your Own Picks And Win!


1 – Kickoff Match – Cruiserweight Champion Neville vs Austin Aries
I was onboard with Neville when he started, but even his necessary heel turn can’t make up for his leaden lack of charisma. Austin Aries on the other hand, is great. And given that it’s literally Aries season as we speak, well this one’s written in the stars *hisses*
PICK: Aries

2 – Kickoff Match – Smackdown Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss vs Carmella vs Natalya vs Becky Lynch vs Mickie James vs Naomi
I like snotty heel champs so I’m hoping Alexa Bliss retains, albeit in some scumbag fashion befitting of her heel-ness. But if Asuka shows up then Asuka naturally.
PICK: Alexa Bliss

3 – Kickoff Match – Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal (announced participants: Mojo Rawley, Apollo Crews, Big Show, Curt Hawkins, Braun Strowman, Goldust, R-Truth, Primo, Epico, Curtis Axel, Bo Dallas, Jinder Mahal, Sami Zayn, Fandango, Tyler Breeze, Dolph Ziggler, Rhyno, Heath Slater, Jason Jordan, Chad Gable, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, Mark Henry, Sin Cara, Titus O’Neil, Konnor, Victor, Aiden English, Simon Gotch)
Everyone’s favorite “Make sure everyone on the roster gets a Mania check” match, Braun seems like he’s stronger than he’s ever been, and this would be a good win to cement him as a top-biller next year. That said, I’m obligated to pick Goldust every time.
PICK: Goldust

4 – Raw Tag Team Champions The Club vs Enzo & Big Cass vs Sheamus & Cesaro (Triple Threat Ladder Match)
Has there ever been a truer example of “familiarity breeds contempt” than Enzo and Cass? I want them dead, I want their family dead, I want their homes burned to the ground, I wanna go there in the middle of the night and piss on their ashes. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit, but there’s no world in which I’m voting for the Georgia Gold chicken-fucker over Sheamus & Cesaro.
PICK: Sheamus & Cesaro

5 – Intercontinental Champion Dean Ambrose vs Baron Corbin
AKA the Receding Hairline Hootenanny. I like Baron Corbin, but I’ve never been able to buy him as an intimidating badass mostly because his resting face just has this muted 1000 yard stare quality that makes him look like he’s constantly thinking about whether or not he remembered to pay his utility bill this month. That said, I like him better than Dean ambrose’s pre-historic schtick so I’m going with the huge guy who’s been crushing everyone over the guy who got arrested for assaulting his daughter’s teenage boyfriend for sending her a dick pic.
PICK: Baron Corbin

6 – John Cena & Nikki Bella vs The Miz & Maryse (Mixed Tag Match)
The Miz promo video where he’s mocking Cena was one of the best things WWE did all year so I’m all in on them winning despite the fact it’s CENA at MANIA.
PICK: Miz & Maryse

7 – United States Champion Chris Jericho vs Kevin Owens
I honestly haven’t been paying attention since The Great Breakup, so I’m not sure where this one stands atm. That said, Owens is the world’s greatest, most perfect, shithead so him winning against the guy he betrayed at Mania seems about right. It’ll almost certainly get real nasty given how emotionally involved everyone who gives even a tiny shit about WWE is in this one.
PICK: Kevin Owens

8 – Shane McMahon vs AJ Styles
Are they really still doing this? AJ Styles after Shane McMahon burns up in orbit trying to hit an elbow drop from the International Space Station.
PICK: AJ Styles

9 – Raw Women’s Champion Bayley vs Charlotte vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax (Elimination Match)
Nia Jax is huge and therefore gets ganged up on by the other three for a bit. Charlotte seems too Women’s Champion not to be, and the others seem to have sort of lost their way character/promo wise, so Charlotte regains her belt.
PICK: Charlotte

10 – Seth Rollins vs Triple H (Non-sanctioned Match)
I of course want it to be my boy Seth, but if HHH books himself at Mania, he’s prob gonna win at Mania as well. Expect the Cerebral Assassin to attack Seth’s weakened knee, which the announcers have all prepared various poems, soliloquies, and haikus to remind you about throughout this match constantly. Bonus points if Seth comes out with a knee brace, double points for bandages AND a knee brace. Quadruple points if they fuck up the canon and he comes out with the brace on the wrong knee.
PICK: Triple H

11 – The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns
Knowing that Taker takes Ls on the regular now, there’s really no reason for Roman Reigns not send the Dead Man to the glue factory. But if this is Taker’s last match (which honestly, it should be) then he goes out on top, and no damage done to Reigns’ rep. Honestly feel it could go either way, but I’ll bet on Takers since I kinda hope he hangs it up after this.
PICK: The Undertaker

12 – WWE Champion Bray Wyatt vs Randy Orton
I have never liked or enjoyed Randy Orton in any capacity. His fucking smirk drive me insane. “Heh, this teacher thinks he can send ME to the principal’s office??” On the other hand, I still love Bray Wyatt despite the countless fuck ups WWE creative has dumped on him. Remember Evil Cena? Of course you don’t. Holograms? *shudder* Anyways, their current feud has been great and I’m always gonna vote for the voodoo swamp hick over the guy that was wrestling when I was in high school to be the champ.
PICK: Bray Wyatt

13 – Universal Champion Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar
As someone who never watched WCW I had little to no interest in Goldberg, his return hasn’t really done anything for me, and having him squash the unbeatable neon pink ham hock over and over has done little to change that. That said, this HAS to be a match that goes longer than a couple minutes right? Either way, a part-timer ends up with the belt, and I’m certain Golberg has made enough cash off this run to settle back into his Hollywood Hills mansion for a few more years, so he loses to Brock, who seems more likely to remain a sorta-regular.
PICK: Brock Lesnar
RUNNING TIME: 10 minutes, 1 second

There you have it! Reply with your match picks and your choice of wrestler theme for next week’s Patreon-exclusive Cheap Popcast below!

12 thoughts on “Laser Time’s WrestleMania 33 Predictions – Make Your Own Picks And Win!

  1. Neville retains: Just the beginning for this feud.

    Braun Strow-Man: Would love Zayn to have a moment but this is their next monster WWE has created.

    Naomi: Even with WWE’s love for screwing hometown favorites not named The Rock, I can’t see her not walking out as champ. Also expect to see some returning surprise entrants from the past added to this match i.e Kelly Kelly and/or Michelle McCool as her husband could be wrestling his last match at this Mania.

    Gallows and Anderson retain: Just factoring in the Hardy’s make the Club my pick. Though they could end up on the blue brand involved with Wyatt in some capacity. (More on that below.)

    Baron Corbin: Gives the guy something big on his resume and Ambrose seems to be the guy who gets people over by being beaten by them.

    John Cena and Nikki Bella: Double AA, double STF and Mr. Cena gets down on one knee for a proposal that will be shown on WWE screens for a very long time…. OR keep Miz and his hot streak alive by attacking Cena before he gets the chance to pull out the ring from his jorts. Keeps Miz/Cena feud ongoing and Cena is spared the night sweats of facing marriage again. But that’s only wishful thinking as they hired Al Roker as guest RING announcer so I’m guessing the proposal goes through and Cena and Mrs. Cena will be on the Today show the day after to promote their upcoming wedding as well as Wrestlemania for the Network.

    Kevin Owens: Good luck with the Fozzy tour Jericho. This feud will continue when you come back.

    A.J Styles: Gonna go out on a limb and say despite not looking forward to this bout, this will be the match of the night. Or at the very least the one you’ll remember from this Mania even long after it’s over. Styles is amazing not only in the ring but people remember the amount of Russo-esque crazy shit he pulled off in TNA. Jumping off the scaffolding 20 feet above the ring, powerbombed through a glass structure, etc. I expect nothing less than covering my eyes in dreaded anticipation for some spots in this match.

    Bayley: I had a hard time picking between her and Sasha. It will come down to those two. Just who WWE favors to walk out as champ is unpredictable. I suspect Bayley will keep the title but will be broken at the hands of Sasha, setting up a post match dickish heel attack a la Y2J on HBK at Mania 19. Charlotte had more than enough of a run and deserves some time out of the spotlight. Nia Jax was literally a throw in for this match, will have some moments of strength and be double/triple teamed into the back.

    Rollins: Still can’t get my head around how Seth returned so quick after that injury. He’ll be rewarded handsomely with a win over Haitch. I also expect him to pull out a new finishing move.

    Reigns: Sigh. Taker looked worse at the Rumble than he did at Mania 30, which was the only time he looked like a flabby out of shape guy who couldn’t go anymore. Vince loves Reigns and will shove this fact down people’s throats at all costs, whether it be muting the volume during his entrance or during his wins. The guy even has a variant of Taker’s old logo as his own! 2017 will be known as the year Hugh Jackman stopped playing Wolverine and the Undertaker’s historic career ends at the hands of the next dubbed company man.

    Wyatt: WWE has built up this story for a longggg time. While conventional booking would have Orton succeed in his half a year long plan on pulling one over on his former master, Wyatt desperately needs a strong, decisive win at Mania. He can’t be the reverse Taker and simply lose at Mania every year. If the Broken Hardy’s don’t interfere with the tag match at Raw, I expect them to be shown in this match. Not against Wyatt, but WITH Wyatt. The concept of the Wyatt family is long overdone to death and with Harper finally splitting off (again) and Rowan still on the shelf, this is the perfect time for the returning Hardy’s to align themselves with a character just as weird as they are. Orton can continue his feud with Wyatt and now has to contend with them Broken Boys.

    Bork Lazer in 8 mins 42 secs: The way Goldberg keeps talking about “taking punishment and preparing for some rough and tumble movements” in his out of character interviews makes me think this match will be mostly Bork tossing around Goldberg and beating him down continuously until his son says “stop, sto–op, he’s already dead”. Goldberg sells his beatdown and salutes the crowd before celebrating his retirement with his family in the ring and out of the wrestling world for good. Mania closes on a wet fart.

    Theme – Edge’s best theme : “Never Gonna Stop”

  2. Aries
    Enzo and Cass
    Cena and Bella
    Kevin Owens
    AJ Styles
    Lesnar in 7:35

    Once again im gonna try for Rick Martels WCW Theme, Razzmatazz as its an amazing theme for the two months he wrestled for the company in 1998.

  3. Neville
    The Club
    Cena and Nikki
    Kevin Owens
    AJ Styles
    Sasha Banks
    Bork Lesnar in 4:20

  4. 1-Austin Aries

    2 – Alexa Bliss

    3- Sami Zayn

    4 – Enzo & Cass

    5 – Dean Ambrose

    6 – The Miz (John Cena goes to check on Nikki, and it costs him the match, but then Cena does this
    7 – Kevin Owens

    8 – AJ Styles (I’m guessing there’s something more to the contract AJ signed, but I think he still pulls off a win. Long shot guess that it might be that a double count out for this one but I won’t bet on it.)

    9 – Sasha Banks

    10 –Triple H (Since there’s no rules I’m guessing Samoa Joe helps out Seth, and if ANYONE BUT Seth had been the one to cause Finn Balor’s injury he might to do a run in to help Seth and fight off Joe. But it’s WWE here so who knows.)

    11 – The Undertaker (Stroman possibly comes to interfere and Roman save Undertaker from an attack earning him a respectiable hat tip from the Deadman, unless Stroman does a double clothesline and somehow attacks them both at the same time, the team up and everybody goes home happy.)

    12 – Bray Wyatt (Please let Bray hang onto a belt for at least a month.)

    13 – Brock Lesnar (Vince knows that Brock puts butts in seats, and him vs K.O when he cashes in his rematch clause down the line would be a good fight to see. KO getting suplexed! BAH GOD!)
    RUNNING TIME: 7:14 minutes

    Song Choice: If Dave can find the version that has WWE’s FAVORITE BAND IN THE WHOLE WORLD I want to hear it. Limp Bizkit – Crack Addict

  5. Neville
    Asuka if she shows up if not Mickie James
    Nakamura wins the Andre if he shows up if not Braun
    HardyBoyz if they show up if not Enzo & Cass
    Jikki Cella
    Banks w/ Heel turn
    Rollins wins due to The Shield
    Taker(I think this happens B4 Rollins/HHH setting up The Shield having something to prove)
    Wyatt( he needs this and WWE needs Orton to not tie Flair b/c he’s at like 14)
    Brock in 7….BUT Ballor shows up demands a match gets it and wins!

    Song choice is AssMan by Billy Gunn

  6. Cruiserweight title: aries def neville
    Andre the giant battle royal: strawman
    Smackdown women’s title: alexa bliss
    Raw tag team champs: enzo and cass
    IC title: corbin
    Miz and maryse def cena/bella
    US title: owens def Jericho
    Aj def shane mcmahon
    Raw women’s title: sasha
    Triple h def rollins
    Reigns def undertaker (no heel turn)
    WWE TITLE: wyatt def orton
    Universal champion: lesnar def goldberg running time, 15 minutes

    song choice, ember moon theme (this song is the shit)

  7. Neville
    Brawn Strowman
    Enzo Amore and Big Cass
    Baron Corbin
    John Cena and Nikki Bella
    Kevin Owens
    AJ Styles
    Charlotte Flair
    Triple H
    Roman Reigns
    Randy Orton
    Brock Lesnar in 2 minutes
    Song Choice : Chris Jericho’s first WCW theme w/lyrics (there was no lyrics in the WCW version, but it is LITERALLY the same song)

  8. Austin Aeris wins the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
    Mickie James wins the WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship
    Braun Strowman for the 2017 André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
    Enzo Amore and Big Cass win the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship
    Baron Corbin wins the WWE Intercontinental Championship
    John Cena and Nikki Bella
    Kevin Owens wins the WWE United States Championship
    AJ Styles
    Bayley retains the WWE Raw Women’s Championship
    Seth Rollins
    Bray Wyatt retains the WWE Championship
    Brock Lesnar wins the WWE Universal Championship in 10 minutes
    Drew McIntyre Theme

  9. Neville
    braun stroman
    enzo and cass
    miz and maryse
    chris Jericho
    aj styles
    sasha banks
    triple h
    randy orton

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