Sep 192014
 
 Posted by at 12:29 pm 3 Responses »

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Imagine if Call of Cthulu: Dark Corners of the Earth was a film that had all of the fun, violent bits ripped out, a nosey, British tit shoehorned in as the protagonist and the fish people were rubber faced locals with less than half a brain between them. Now slap on a PSA about the dangers of pollution and brainstorm the dullest trailer imaginable and the result is Doomwatch.

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Mar 042014
 
 Posted by at 7:45 pm 2 Responses »

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If you couldn’t get enough of Sho Kosugi and his nunchuck wielding spawn in Revenge of the Ninja, then you are going to LOVE Nine Deaths of the Ninja, which is just about as nonsensical as its name and is the world’s only movie to have paid the actors per word. That, at least, is the conclusion you’ll arrive at when a grand total of 10 lines has been uttered by the 30 minute mark, half of which have been shoddy puns and the other half have been sleazy pick-up lines that start at cringey and work their way up to being worthy of a restraining order and can of pepper spray.

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Feb 232014
 
 Posted by at 11:15 pm 3 Responses »

 

There’s a reason that sane people prefer dogs over cats, and this movie is it. A crazy cat lady is killed because she didn’t have the foresight to keep more than 2 tins of cat food in her cellar and anyone who surrounds themselves with a small army of furry sociopaths will quickly realise what a fatal error that is, although this epiphany usually dawns at about the same time as Mister Buttons and Lady Tinkerbottom are sitting in a gaping chest wound ringed with tiny teeth marks, vying over who gets which eyeball. The house is quickly sold without anyone asking complex questions like “Wait, how exactly was she killed?” and “Why was her body covered in cat hair and claw marks?” and  a new family moves in with a small dog and an allergy to cats. Things are about to get predictable interesting.

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Feb 082014
 
 Posted by at 3:07 am 2 Responses »

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Apparently you’ll sweat blood. That is unless you’re being mauled to death by a frozen barracuda or having your head caved in by the deranged, paraplegic ghost of the current gym manager who has conveniently regained the use of her legs in the afterlife. If you ever needed an excuse to skip the gym…well, this isn’t it, but it reaffirms what we’ve all come to know in our souls – if you’re an attractive, scantily clad lady in the vicinity or paranormal phenomenon, you’d better start running.

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Feb 012014
 
 Posted by at 1:37 am 1 Response »

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10,000 light years from Earth, Brick Bardo is eking out a living as a hard-nosed cop on the planet Arturos. When he’s not working on his best Dirty Harry impression, or styling his hair like a great big silvery toilet brush, he can be found doing laundry and taking out scumbags with his custom-made Kruger Blaster – the most powerful handgun in the ‘Verse. Who needs a .44 Magnum when you’re packing that kind of heat?

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Jan 242014
 
 Posted by at 6:01 pm 5 Responses »

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Whilst neither a sequel nor a movie about Trolls, Troll 2 is a love letter to vegetarians written in all caps and hastily scrawled on the walls of a padded cell in a substance that is certainly not ink, composed entirely of expletives and generously peppered with angry clusters of exclamation points. It’s a shit whirlwind of ghosts, goblins, contradictory plot holes and acting so wooden you’ll be expecting the blue fairy to show up at any moment. Hopefully with a flamethrower.

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Aug 302013
 
 Posted by at 6:37 am 4 Responses »

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Superman is one of the most iconic superheroes of all time; a paragon of morality and virtue who never could quite figure out the knack to wearing a pair of knickers. Yet despite his super powers, he remains somewhat bland. He will always be a mild mannered farm boy with all the common sense of the demented offspring of the runners up of a “where’s my nose” competition.

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Aug 232013
 
 Posted by at 3:19 pm 13 Responses »

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‘Old’, ‘wise’ and ‘extraordinary actor’ aren’t usually words you might equate with Ben Affleck and his acting career. But both Greg Silverman at Warner Bros. and Zack Snyder are singing his praises with the announcement of Affleck as the next in line to take up the black mantle as the world’s most beloved vigilante. The interwebz has had people losing their shit all over the place since the news broke, with a vast vocal majority pooh-poohing the decision and swearing off the sequel to Man of Steel in defiance of what they perceive to be the worst casting decision since Heath Ledger was picked for the Joker, and look at how that turned out.

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Aug 092013
 
 Posted by at 10:55 pm 4 Responses »

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If you thought that rape, necrophilia or chopping some guy’s dick off for an impromptu game of catch on a lovely summer afternoon could never be portrayed as mere light-hearted high jinks, then you obviously haven’t seen Street Trash – where any foul act of depravity can be capitalised on for laughs as long as there’s a zany sound track playing. PTSD? A riot! Gang rape? Fucking hilarious! Casual murder? A god damned hoot! You’ll come for the tasteless violence, but you’ll stay for the exploding hobos.

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Jun 292013
 
 Posted by at 12:31 am 4 Responses »

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If the thought of naked space vampires rampaging through London spawning zombies and body snatching at every turn doesn’t turn your nipples hard enough to chisel their way through a diamond bra then perhaps watching Patrick Stewart play a round of tonsil tennis with a burly astronaut will pique your b-movie boner in the flesh fest that is Lifeforce.

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May 172013
 
 Posted by at 10:57 pm 2 Responses »

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Before Manbearpig rose to fame in South Park, it lived a life of domestic bliss in the forests of Maine, before going on an arbitrary killing spree to finally get noticed because trying to outshine the perpetual duck face of Armand Assante as the belligerent John Hawks requires such drastic action. As a battle rages between a logging corporation and the natives of the land, manbearpig doesn’t give a fuck and sets out to kill everyone. It’s a lot more thrilling than the lacklustre trailer would have you believe.

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Apr 292013
 
 Posted by at 6:41 pm 5 Responses »

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Before the time of background checks, any old riffraff could walk into a teaching job and be engulfed in a swarm of lithe, youthful bodies like Captain Kirk in a pile of amorous tribbles. You could, for instance, devote an entire series of lectures to a bit of old tat buried in your cross-dressing father’s ‘weekend’ jewellery box whilst wearing a pair of granny’s old reading glasses so that students and faculty alike know just how intellectual you are. That is, if you were a complete mental case or one Tarl Cabot, but with a name like that, who’d blame him?

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Apr 222013
 
 Posted by at 9:35 pm 6 Responses »

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Somewhere between Star Wars and Spaceballs lies The Ice Pirates; an homage on the tip of the tongue of parody nestled firmly in the cheek of a screenwriter who was clearly snuffling up the best nose candy the 80s had to offer. The plot manages to shoehorn in a dashing rebel captain, his not so furry first mate, a handful of robots who’ve been inexplicably programmed with all the feels and a princess on the run. The unicorns, space herpes, casual racist slurs and a plot full of more holes than a box of Cheerios are just an added, shitty, bonus.

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