A thorough look at Donkey Kong Country, from its SNES beginnings to modern Wii revival. LISTEN NOW

It’s time for more comic talk, including the newest Man of Steel trailer, Invincible, and boys kissing boys. Also, we still can’t shut up about Arrested Development…

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Cape Crisis #51 Question: What’s the funniest comic you ever read?

COMIC REVIEWS!!!

Age Of Ultron #8 (of 10)

With only two issues to go, I can now say I have no idea how Age Of Ultron is going to end. So much is introduced in this issue that I’m worried that the finale of the new Marvel event will be rushed to fit in with whatever’s coming next after it. Giving us a grander look at a world without Hank Pym, Brian Michael Bendis and Brandon Peterson’s 8th issue provides a lot of cool moments and variations from our favorite Marvel heroes, but there’s a looming worry about how this all ties in (and how it will wrap up) that overshadows the story.

Sue Storm and Wolverine have been kidnapped by Tony Stark, the high command of this Marvel Universe.  From his interrogation of Wolverine, we learn that without Hank Pym and his inventions the magic of the Marvel universe took over. After the “Asgardian/Latverian Wars” , Thor disappeared  and the heroes of the Marvel Universe are in constant fear of an attack from Morgana Le Fey, the evil witch who consistently battles “our” Avengers.  The Defenders, consisting of AoU versions of Cable, Wolverine, the Thing, and others, decide they’re sick of waiting and charge into the helicarrier holding Wolvie and Sue Storm, but after Storm escapes, the unthinkable happens: Le Fey arrives with her army, and begins laying waste to the heroes.

That’s really all that happens in this issue. While I was entertained by the opening issues of Age Of Ultron, the series is now starting to wear thin, and this installment feels like it should’ve been issue 5 instead of 8. Bendis plants a ton of cool information on this new reality within Tony Stark’s dialogue, but I wish we could’ve seen some of it(the “Asgard/Latveria War” sounds like it would be a fantastic mini). It seems like Bendis is on a mission to prove just how important Hank Pym is to the Marvel universe, and more power to him. But, that doesn’t change the fact that this series feels like it’s taken it’s sweet time to get here.

Brandon Peterson’s art is great in this issue, and it’s nice to see him take over the book solo. His line work is impressive, and the designs of the heroes are pretty cool. It’s just a shame that the rest of this series couldn’t be up to what I was hoping for. There’s two issues left, and we haven’t even seen Ultron proper in this series.  I’m definitely sticking this one out til the end, but I’m very wary of what’s to come.

The Legend Of Luther Strode #5 (of 6)

Luther Strode finally returns to kick more ass and take names in the penultimate issue of The Legend Of Luther Strode. Picking up from last issue, Luther is beaten at the hands of Binder, another older gent with similar powers to Luther, and Petra is at the mercy of Jack the Ripper. What follows is another action packed issue of one of the best Image titles on the stands today.

There’s not a whole lot of dialogue in this issue, but just like the previous one, the action moves much of the plot along. This is one fast paced, kinetic ride of a book. The issue zips along at such a quick pace that I was nearly out of breath from it by issue’s end. Writer Justin Jordan has definitely raised the stakes with this series, and it’s great to see something good come to Luther after so much death and destruction in his life.

But that’s not to say there ISN’T any “death and destruction” in this issue. In fact, death and destruction has never looked quite as awesome as the way artist Tradd Moore depicts it. I’ve already championed his art before, but I’ll gladly do it again here, as he keeps up the intensity of Jordan’s plot, and many times enhances it. There’s only one issue left, and I can’t wait to see the big showdown next month.

Jonwahizzle is a jack of all trades: educator, comic book slinger for Jetpack Comics, and member of Another Let Down. Follow him on twitter and check out his blog, The Collective: Examples of Nerdery for more!

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In this week’s episode of Vidjagame Apocalypse we talk about memorable appearances in shitty videogame movies and make speculations about the next Xbox. Yes, we realize the reveal has already happened but when we recorded this, it hadn’t.

Question of the Week

What game would make a good movie?

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*NOTE* We’ve been getting some AMAZING donations lately but hardly anyone is attaching a name and the intended recipient of said donations. Please try to make note of which podcast the donation is going to so maybe we can get some new equipment and thank the right people for all their support. Seriously, the laptop we edit this show on is one choking breath away from combustion.

See the coolest new thingy-things, save a little money, support Laser Time. Oh, and maybe win a free $20 Amazon Gift Card

Whoa, we haven’t done this in a while. You remember how we do this? Well, here goes again: Laser Time is almost 100% listener supported. Saints buy Laser Time tshirts, Angels donate us a buck or two via Paypal. But be you God or Clod, it’s by far the easiest, most mutually beneficial way to support your pals at Laser Time. You get what you want on the interwebz leading online store (usually at the cheapest price) and Amazon kicks Laser Time a couple sheckles. Do you have to buy any of the newly released Blu-rays, vidjagames or comics we’ve linked below? NO. Simply click through any of the links below or the right-hand sidebar, then search and shop for anything on Amazon during that visit. Simple, eazy-peezy. For supporting our wonderful little pledge drive, we’re going to give one lucky commenter below a $20 Amazon Gift Card just for lettin’ us pimp!

Cloud Atlas
Aside from Avengers, this could damn well be my favorite movie of 2012. The directors of Run Lola Run and The Matrix took one helluva  longshot, and I think it paid off with one of the most unique  and beautiful cinematic experiences I’ve had in the last five years. As one of the most expensive “indie movie” of all time I believe this breakneck, optimistic tribute to humanity kinda ate shit at the box office, plus older film critics kinda panned the thing… But that the fuck do they know?! They treated Argo like the Second Coming of Christ! Try Cloud Atlas, kiddies – you’ll probably like it. If you find it too fast-paced and sentimental, you’re too old.

Donkey Kong Country Returns 3D
I recently kicked myself for not remembering what an exquisite experience I had with Donkey Kong Returns on the Wii Wone. I’m a terribly grown man, so they fact that I’d wake up early for work just to play more of this here vidjagame should damn sure be a testament to its greatness. Call it a shameless cashgrab if you must, DKCR’s heaving helping of bite-sized platforming euphoria is far better better suited to playing on the 3DS (plus all you’re losing is the dumbass wiggle-waggle controls.) I never 100%ed the game on the Wii, so I’m fuck-sure I’ll pick it up on here and amend that oversight.

Captain America [THE 1990 VERSION!!!]
Of all the movies that demanded a painstaking high-def remaster, I’m sure we can all agree this little ditty was high up there on our lists. And while we’re all of the same mindset, let’s all take a moment to go vote for Ralph Nader and molest a child.

Fast & The Furious Showdown  360  |  PS3
We bitch all the time about shitty, fly-by-night movie licenses… but you know what? I’d really don’t want to think about living in a world without them. It could probably score an 11.5 from your precious Destructygons or Kotakistiq’s and it’d still sell the exact same. (Just try and imagine some poor asshole developer saying “We decided to release 18 months after the movie, because we really wanted to get the Fast & Furious game right” and not treating the guy like he’s out there peddling Bulletball on national television.)   This thing only exists to put another piece of merch out in the wild to capitalize on Fast 6′s (justifiable and well-deserved!) marketing blitz and/or two weeks or so of boxoffice burnouts. Thank God, Activision’s got this side of the business down to a science we haven’t seen so refined since the heyday of the NES! I hope it’s really shitty, too. If Activision can keep up the turdy momentum of games practically released in secret, such as Men In Black and Battleship, Let’s Play livestream clowns have all the more curious fodder to put food on their table now that Nintendo’s tossed a wrench in the moneytrain.

Dexter: The Seventh Season
I gave up on this after Tom Hanks’ son began hallucinating Admiral Adama. Give me one good reason to get back into this shit show. Could win ya $20, kiddo.

National Lampoon’s Vacation
Community fans: You know you’re dying to get a glimpse at exactly the point and time Chevy Chase sucked the least.

Parker
I’m convinced Jason Statham’s making the same movie over and over just to see if I notice. Sorry, Statham… if it ain’t Crank 3, it ain’t shit!

My Neighbor Totoro
BUY THIS! I just bought this thing on Standard-Def DVD and am currently punching myself in the dick for not knowing a Blu-ray was coming. What a heartwarmingly furry ball of animated whimsy essentially put Studio Ghibli on the map (they made Ni No Kuni, kids), and you’ve no doubt seem Totoro himself pop up on merchandise in and outside of Japan, as well as a mute performance in Toy Story 3. I honestly can’t recommend it enough; even the new English dub with the Fanning sister and the guy from Wings is way better than I expected.

Howl’s Moving Castle
I haven’t seen this film since the theaters, but not only do I remember enjoying it quite a bit. Plus, I’m almost positive it’s the last time I was even mildly amused by the presence of Billy Crystal. Don’t get all about the sequel to Monsters Inc., now. Disney’s got their name all over these Studio Ghibli DVDs, so I’m sure they won’t suffer too much without my box office dollar.

The Last Stand
I heard Arnold’s return to beefy action star kinda sucked from friends who went into into it with the highest of expectations, and that’s really a damn shame. Arnold’s seemingly idiotic film persona is only now getting the praise it deserves, and this apparently falls just short of his ludicrous and violent legacy.

Resident Evil: Revelations
Certain affiliations forbid us from dispelling the glory of this game, finally optimized for platforms RE fans actually own. However, I will say it’s my favorite Resident Evil since RE4… That’s it, LEEME ALONE!

HOT ASS DEALS!
Amazon’s got the Star Trek movies on Blu-ray for their lowest price yet (50% off!) Can’t say enough nice things about the TOS films.
Star Trek: The Original Series Movies (I-VI) – $25.58
Star Trek: The Next Generation Movies (Generations – Nemesis) – $28.74

Assassin’s Creed III is $29.99 on all platforms, including Wii U. Speaking of which…
ALL WII U GAMES have been discounted.
-Call of Duty Black Ops and Arkham City = $30 off
-ZombiU, New Super Mario Bros U and Lego City Undercover = $20
-Nintendoland, Injustice, Need For Speedand more = $10 off

PRE-ORDER UPCOMING GAMES AND SUPPORT LASER TIME

The Last of Us
- Pre-order and receive the Sights and Sounds Pack
Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell Blacklist  360  |  PS3
- Receive the Upper Echelon Pack, which includes the Gold Glowing Goggles, the Upper Echelon Suit, and the Aral Sea Co-op Mission
Grid 2  360  |  PS3
-$15 in-store credit
-Pre-order to receive the Headstart Pack. The Headstart Pack includes car upgrade discounts and Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren 722 GT Car! Pack contains 15% Discount in the Car Upgrades store for the multiplayer game modes, the exclusive Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren 722 GT
Madden NFL 25th Anniversary Edition
-Pre-order for a 17 week Madden Ultimate Team pack subscription, and exclusive offers for DirecTV and NFL Sunday Ticket. A $400 value!
Disney Infinity
-Pre-order and receive a power disc pack free with your selected starter pack and free bonus figure
Arkham City: Origins
-$10 in-store credit
-Playable Deathstroke character

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Our Mission: A spoiler-free journey through stupid Trek trivia and a celebratory look at the series’ lasting legacy, concluding with a brief, spoiler-heavy look at Star Trek Into Darkness

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Batman & Robin #20

Bruce Wayne continues his battle with the five stages of grief in this month’s Batman & Robin, although since he’s joined by Red Hood, the name after the “&” is Jason Todd’s alter ego, not the previously deceased Damian Wayne. Much like last issue, Batman is looking for a way to resurrect his son, but unlike last issue, he’s not going through supernatural methods.

Starting with a return appearance from the New 52′s Carrie Kelly, Peter Tomasi and Patrick Gleason’s 20th issue of the title continues the strong characterization of Bruce going through another tragic loss, something that the other Bat-books have largely skipped over.

Still obsessed with trying to bring back Damian, Bruce goes to the closest person to him that has been brought back from the dead: Jason Todd, aka the Red Hood, and more importantly, the second Robin (and the first one to die).  Kelly factors only fleetingly in the beginning of the issue, and it seems like Tomasi is going to keep her around for a while, so if she does become the new Robin, it at least won’t be for quite some time.

After Kelly is ushered out of the picture, Jason visit Bruce in the Batcave. Still on watch from the Joker’s attack in the “Death Of The Family” story arc (this issue takes place before Red Hood And The Outlaws #19), Bruce tells Jason that he has one thing left to ask him before he leaves. Travelling to Africa, Bruce has tracked down a few of the assassins who attacked Damian in Batman, Inc. #1 when Talia but out a hit on him. With Jason in tow, the two lay waste to the assassins, with Batman’s attacks on them being exceptionally brutal. It’s not until after they deal with those criminals that we learn the real reason why Batman brought Red Hood with him: it’s near the location where Todd was murdered by the Joker. Bruce hopes that by bringing Jason to the spot that he died he’ll remember something about his resurrection, which doesn’t exactly go over well with Todd.

Tomasi’s handle on the Bruce’s despair continues to be the highlight of this series, and watching Bruce deal with yet another tragic loss, but with the the ability to do something about it this time, is fascinating. Batman’s ability to focus in on something is used almost like a weakness here, and his verbal sparring match (that turns into an actual sparring match) with Red Hood is fantastic, and really makes you feel for Jason Todd as a character. It’s as if even he is aware that his sole claim to fame is being the “Robin who died”. There’s no amount of praise that I haven’t already heaped onto Patrick Gleason,  just know that this criminally underrated artist once again rules the page.

Batman & Robin may have one half of it’s title characters six feet under, but it’s still proving to be a fascinating series, and an interesting look into the way a character that was shaped by a tragedy handles a new one. The strongest Bat-title that isn’t written by the almighty Snyder, Batman & Robin has never been more accessible than right now. Each story is a one and done, but still a part of the over arching story of Bruce going though the stages of grief over his son.  I may still hate the fact that Damian is gone, but at least I have this incredible storyline to work my way towards acceptance.

The Red Claw #3

From the pages of Fatsquad  comes the Red Claw! Created by NH based creators Rich Brunelle and Josh Belanger, the Red Claw is the latest animal-based vigilante to hit the streets, and the mystery around his identity continues to bother Rich, Al, Josh, Body Pillow, and the rest of the Fatsquad crew. This issue finds the group taking it to the streets to get to the bottom of this mysterious midnight predator with hilarious results. There’s plenty to like in this comic, especially if you’re a fan of other humorous takes on super heroes like The Tick. Red Claw features a ton of hilarious gags and dialogue, and there’s many times while reading it that I felt like I was within the comic hanging out with them (and some people may even notice that I AM in the book for a panel).

It’s not all fun and games though, as Brunelle and Belanger give us more action than in the previous two issues. The local police department, tired of the Red Claw’s antics, assemble a hit squad to take him down. When Claw falls into one of their traps, it leads to a fantastic action sequence where Red Claw single handedly takes out the entire police crew going after him, which then leads to the reveal of the big bad who’s been watching from the shadows since the series started.

Red Claw has been released every year around Free Comic Book Day, and back issues can be found on the Fatsquad website. I highly recommend clicking the link and giving them your hard earned cash. Not only are Rich and Josh stand up guys, but they make awesome books as well. While it’s tough to wait for new issues (especially when they end them with cliffhangers like this one), the end product is well worth it.

Jonwahizzle is a jack of all trades: educator, comic book slinger for Jetpack Comics, and member of Another Let Down. Follow him on twitter and check out his blog, The Collective: Examples of Nerdery for more!

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We compare our bicoastal WrestleMania memories before talking about Extreme Rules and the WWE’s use of extreme language in the most XTREEM Cheap Popcast yet!

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Before Manbearpig rose to fame in South Park, it lived a life of domestic bliss in the forests of Maine, before going on an arbitrary killing spree to finally get noticed because trying to outshine the perpetual duck face of Armand Assante as the belligerent John Hawks requires such drastic action. As a battle rages between a logging corporation and the natives of the land, manbearpig doesn’t give a fuck and sets out to kill everyone. It’s a lot more thrilling than the lacklustre trailer would have you believe.

PROPHECY (1979)
Genre: Sci-Fi/ Horror
Director: John Frankenheimer  
Rated: PG
Buy the DVD

After the disappearance of a couple of lumberjacks, a search party sprints through a forest in the dead of night with a pack of hounds that have about as much survival instinct as a lemming who willingly signed up for Disney’s White Wilderness in the hopes of becoming a star – “Can you fly, Bobby?”

The disappearances are blamed on the Opies and relations soon become even more strained so the Environmental Protection Agency calls in the big guns – an overwrought doctor from the big city whose frustration with the poverty inflicted upon innocent tenants by evil landlords has suddenly qualified him to carry out extensive environmental research.

“Tell me again how it’s your landlord’s fault that you can’t stop squeezing out children”

Dr. Robert and his wife Maggie head out into the wilderness with their host from the paper mill, Mr. Isley, but find the path to their cabin barred by a band of opies, a couple of trees and a big ass chain. Isley takes the rational approach and commands one of his posse to take a chainsaw to the trees but pouty John Hawks is having none of it and draws an axe. Thinking that an axe on chainsaw duel to the death is a world away from his job description, the lumberjack comes to his senses and leaves, content in the knowledge that he didn’t almost saw a guy’s head off in cold blood, because that would be fucking crazy.

“Don’t bring a fart to a shit fight!”

As the couple later settle into their cabin, they begin to notice that something strange is going on with the local wildlife; the clues begin to pile up as first flatulent ducks, then giant carnivorous salmon and finally killer raccoons all make their presence known in the space of an afternoon.

“Maybe no one will notice…”

Dr. Robert  investigates further by going with John Hawkes and his wife to see their crazy old grandpa Hector who  brags about the enormous mutated animals without an iota of concern as to what could be the root cause and even claims to have seen the legendary Katahdin roaming the forest; a Wuzzles-esque mash up of every animal known to man that awakens to protect the land when it’s in danger.

“Everything’s huge up here! Why that lil’ fella came outta ma dick!”

Suffice to say, he’s talking bollocks because his cuddly friend goes out that very night and mauls a camping family in the forest. What are its motives? Who knows, but the most puzzling aspect of this scenario is the little boy who weighed up the time it would take him to unzip his sleeping back and run vs rearing up in inside his cocoon of death and hopping slowly away and opted for the latter. Praise Katahdin for doing the world a favour and taking the little twerp out of the gene pool.

Once word gets out about the murders, Mr.Isley and the Sheriff, ignoring the giant claw marks gouged into a tree 15 feet off the ground at the crime scene, roll up to the opies village and start rounding up a list of suspects. As the men start gathering by the sheriff’s car, duck face takes a moment to absorb the events of the afternoon before calmly making his way into a nearby house and launching himself through a pane of glass.

Dr. Robert, now a forensic scientist apparently, insists on visiting the scene of the grisly deaths and finds manbearpigs babies wallowing about in the river caught up in a net. His wife takes a fancy to one of the babies and is one bright idea away from whipping out an udder and latching the malformed monstrosity onto it. It all seems to get a bit Jurassic Park II from here on in when mamma bear shows up to trash the camp and kill everyone but it has no interest in tracking down its cub and just wants to massacre everyone everywhere; a goal that is neatly achieved by its sudden omnipresence throughout the woodland.

Will Dr. Robert and his wife survive the ordeal to raise a manbearpig of their very own? Will the white man with no real survival skills outlive everyone and inexplicably save the day? Find out in Prophecy.

We dare you to buy Prophecy on DVD!

Author Gamer Girl is a podcast co-host on FrontTowardsGamer Radio.  It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: Gor. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!

Now in the afterglow of Iron Man 3, we talk the future of comics, buying new hardcovers, Arrested Development, and Zach freaking Braff…

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Cape Crisis #51 Question: What’s your favorite super team?

On this week’s episode of Vidjagame Apocalypse we talk about our favorite barren, mutant-infested wastelands. There’s also a little more singing. Apparently we didn’t get enough last week.

Question of the Week

What’s one moment in a game that made you genuinely over-the-moon happy? It could be a visual moment, a story moment, a musical moment or some combination. Just tell us about a time playing a game made you ecstatic.

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Shop Amazon through us and support the Laser Time Network!

From guilty pleasures to humiliating playlists, we comb through our secret musical past for a celebration of personal embarrassment!

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After getting over the hump with 50, we’re here to talk about the newest comics, Free Comic Book Day adventures, and a certain third film featuring an ironing male…

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Cape Crisis #51 Question: Your favorite/most hated moment in Iron Man 3?

Hot off of viewing Iron Man 3, we’re recapping the best and worst of comic book super heroes turned cartoon stars…

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Things get musical on this week’s episode of Vidjagame Apocalypse. That’s not a joke. There’s a LOT of singing in this one and we’re not even drunk. Well, not all the way drunk. Maybe a little drunk.

We also play a little trivia game in the second segment. We reached out to our listeners on Twitter (follow @VGApocalypse to be included in the future) and had our very special guests each play for one person. You’ll have to listen to find out who won our swag bag.

Question of the Week

What is your favorite easter egg in a game?

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*NOTE* We’ve been getting some AMAZING donations lately but hardly anyone is attaching a name and the intended recipient of said donations. Please try to make note of which podcast the donation is going to so maybe we can get some new equipment and thank the right people for all their support. Seriously, the laptop we edit this show on is one choking breath away from combustion.

Shop Amazon through us and support the Laser Time Network!

OutRun, Daytona USA and Wave Race 64 star in this tribute to racing games. LISTEN NOW!

We’ve hit a landmark, and we’re feeling a little proud about it in this special four man cast. We talk Superior Spider-Men, Injustices, a lack of Ultron, and have our second quiz in as many weeks! Celebrate good times, come on…

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Cape Crisis #50 Question: Whats your favorite Cape Crisis memory from the first 50 shows?

In this week’s episode of Vidjagame Apocalypse we talk about shitty games we love. These games are simultaneously painful and so much fun.

Sorry about the wait, folks. The laptop we edit the show on is seriously fuuuuucked. We’re working on rectifying this.

Heads up guys, the cast is preeeeeetty drunk for most of the second half. So drunk we included a warning during the break. Whoops. Maybe next week we’ll be more sober. No promises.

Question of the Week

Because of some weird scheduling (it’s explained in the episode) we’re reusing last week’s Question of the Week.

Do you think it would affect your enjoyment of a game if the “damsel in distress” character is anything other than an attractive woman? What instances can you think of where you rescue an unattractive character or a male character who you had an actual emotional attachment to? Stopping bad guys from killing strangers isn’t enough.

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Life’s little foibles drive us to delve into the Laser Time Archives for this enhanced classic featuring a journey through Muppet history, plus an epic Star Trek vs. Marvel quiz!

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Before the time of background checks, any old riffraff could walk into a teaching job and be engulfed in a swarm of lithe, youthful bodies like Captain Kirk in a pile of amorous tribbles. You could, for instance, devote an entire series of lectures to a bit of old tat buried in your cross-dressing father’s ‘weekend’ jewellery box whilst wearing a pair of granny’s old reading glasses so that students and faculty alike know just how intellectual you are. That is, if you were a complete mental case or one Tarl Cabot, but with a name like that, who’d blame him?

GOR (1987)
Genre: Action/ Adventure/ Fantasy
Director: Fritz Kiersch 
Rated: PG
Buy the DVD

Tarl has set himself up with a nice cushy number lecturing a group of poor, luckless bastards on the mysterious powers of the ugliest piece of costume jewellery he could find. Like all wearers of non-prescription glasses in films, he continually takes his glasses on and off so that we all know how serious he is, spouting drivel all the while about the possible existence of a counter-earth called Gor that the gemstone in his ring is a supposed portkey to. But he has no evidence or experience of any of this and says as much at the end of his lecture, which is probably why everyone looks like they’re about to commit mass suicide.

Should we break out the cyanide capsules now?

Everyone with the exception of a bitchy blonde who spends the entire lecture openly sniggering at him and turns out to be Tarl’s teaching assistant and girlfriend. As he wasn’t quite getting the hint when she was laughing right in his face, Barbie swings by with her new jock teacher boyfriend to break the news that she won’t be spending vacation with him in a creepy cabin devoid of basic plumbing and will instead be getting banged by an emotionally stunted adult who can just about string a sentence together to mock Cabot’s lack of fashion sense. This coming from a guy who’s driving around in a big pink vagina jeep.

And so our hero drives off alone into the night as a thunderstorm descends to envelop the shitty tin can of a car in torrents of rain and sheet lightning. As the visibility reduces, Cabot takes off his fucking glasses again in favour of squinting and proves just what a brilliant idea that was by driving straight into a tree. But lo and behold! By the power of greyskull, his gummy ring whisked him away to Gor, where he wakes up a few feet away from a village being pillaged by a half- naked Oliver Reed.

What in the fuck am I doing in this movie?

After being spotted by Reed’s mounted soldiers, he’s chased down and defying all logic, attempts to explain that there’s ‘been a mistake’, because being a Professor of Bullshit automatically grants immunity from the murderous regimes of tyrannical dictatorships…right? After waving his driver’s license around for a cringe inducing 5 minutes, his brain decides this is all too much to bear and tells his legs to make a break for it. What follows is a series of comical murders of the most inept soldiers in the counter-cosmos at the hands of Cabot as they start dropping like flies from such fatalities as falling gently off a horse into a soft pile of sand and simply riding past Tarl and finding themselves being stabbed to death by the sword he happened to be holding.

Hello, Sir? Did you still want to see my dirver’s license? Helloooo…?

The surviving rabble from the village chooses this moment to intervene and save his pasty ass now that he’s taken out the majority of the threat. Cabot passes out from the sheer amount of arse on show and comes to in cave having his brow diligently dabbed at with a moist cloth by Playboy model Rebecca Ferratti before getting swiftly cock blocked by her mullet sporting, sword hefting comrade.

Oooh, lovely lady curves – whoa there fella!

Remember how Tarl had that sweet job talking shit about his daddy’s ring all day and getting paid for it? Well he doesn’t. Despite getting an impassioned plea for help from the hackneyed village old guy and being told he’s not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy insists on playing the thicko card and suddenly has no memory of a place called Gor or the power of his ring and thinks this is all a gag courtesy of Norman and his pink jeep.

“Are you friends of Norman?”

Sensing that he’s a complete and utter nitwit, the trio of self-elected village leaders nevertheless decide that it’s too late to cut and run now that the rest of the horde have seen Cabot and his magic ring and to keep their hope alive, they decide the best course of action is a training montage. A few hours later, it’s decided that he’s now ready to go and face the despotic Oliver Reed and save the world, and Cabot is totally ok with that.

Tarl makes the most of his newfound status as saviour when they stop to procure weapons, by insisting on going into a dangerous bar for no other reason than to ogle yet more scantily clad women. As predicted this little excursion soon goes tits up, quite literally, when Miss Playboy – who’s been posing as a slave to fit in with the rest of the degenerates – is forced into a fight to the death with Jabba the Hutt’s woman in a 3 minute scene that is about 2 and a half minutes too long.

The rest of the journey is fraught with perils, like quicksand and Village People, but a good spanking is all that’s needed to send them on their way.

I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground!

Will Carl Tabot rise to the challenge and save the world? More importantly, will he ever get laid? Find out in Gor.

Dude, gross! Where are your underpants??

We dare you to buy Gor on DVD!

Author Gamer Girl is a podcast co-host on FrontTowardsGamer Radio.  It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: The Ice Pirates. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!

With a special returning guest, we dive into what we been reading, overseas Iron Man 3 spoilers, and even a quiz! Get with it…

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Cape Crisis #49 Question: Who did the best superhero voice work?

This week’s episode of Vidjagame Apocalypse is hungry for brains. We talk about zombies, the things hurting the games industry and we delve into the forums.

Question of the Week

Do you think it would affect your enjoyment of a game if the “damsel in distress” character is anything other than an attractive woman? What instances can you think of where you rescue an unattractive character or a male character who you had an actual emotional attachment to? Stopping bad guys from killing strangers isn’t enough.

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The world’s most ridiculous public service announcements coupled with positive tales of recreational drug use! Bring the kids in for this one…

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Somewhere between Star Wars and Spaceballs lies The Ice Pirates; an homage on the tip of the tongue of parody nestled firmly in the cheek of a screenwriter who was clearly snuffling up the best nose candy the 80s had to offer. The plot manages to shoehorn in a dashing rebel captain, his not so furry first mate, a handful of robots who’ve been inexplicably programmed with all the feels and a princess on the run. The unicorns, space herpes, casual racist slurs and a plot full of more holes than a box of Cheerios are just an added, shitty, bonus.

THE ICE PIRATES (1984)
Genre: Comedy/ Sci-Fi/ Action
Director: Stewart Raffill
Rated: PG
Buy the DVD

So let’s wade through this first truckload of twaddle as quickly as possible – it’s the future and in the wake of the Planetary Wars there is no water in the galaxy. Did someone drink it all and piss it away into the cosmos? You know what; you’re never going to find out. The entire galaxy is bereft of moisture with the exception of a single planet called Mithra that is controlled by a group called the Templars, so quite clearly, they’re going to be a bunch of pricks. Everyone’s kitted out with laser guns (because it’s the future), chainmail (because Templars) and/ or swords because shooting a troublemaker in the face at point blank range would cut the running time to all of 10 minutes.

Mithra is miraculously able to sustain an entire galaxy’s demand for water, which is somehow both a form of currency and a sought after commodity, but a faction of rebels, dubbed Ice Pirates, think the 0.001% can go fuck themselves and regularly intercept the shipments of ice for themselves by busting through paper thin hulls in the vacuum of space without cumbersome necessities like space suits or forward planning.

What I’d give for an independent oxygen supply right now.

So it’s no surprise when they accidentally hi-jack a cargo ship that is also carrying a princess and the most evil man in the galaxy – Zorn. Captain Jason manages to stave off the urge to whip out his custard cannon and commence fire long enough to take brief control of the ship before being outwitted by a lobotomised eunuch and making a break for it with a few cubes of ice and the kidnapped princess in tow.

Maybe she left her alarm clock down here…

It soon becomes apparent that flying off in a straight line through space isn’t quite adequate to elude capture so Captain Jason’s magical star ship proceeds to split into three sections to throw off the pursuers, which does diddly squat to improve the situation and merely results in him being separated from two thirds of his crew and ship for nothing. But all is not lost – first mate Roscoe steps in to save their bacon by firing up the Space Invaders cabinet

They won’t be expecting THIS!

Amazingly, this does absolutely nothing and Jason and Roscoe are captured and shipped off to Mithra to await a fate worse than death – being turned into eunuch Flash Gordon clones. This hi-tech, futuristic process involves being strapped to a conveyor belt, stripped, lathered up and shaved before a gaping metal maw bites your tonker off. Humane and hygienic.

But as luck would have it, the princess who spent all but 2 minutes in their company during their initial escape attempt rescues them in exchange for passage aboard their ship, but not before they have to parade around a party affecting high pitched voices and stuffing their wobbly bits up their jacksy .

The princess’s plans are soon thwarted when the evil Zorn senses something is afoot and summons the guards to seize them. Cut to a slapstick car chase with the princess and Jason abandoning Roscoe and the newly acquired Killjoy who happen upon a blackface robot pimp that solves their transportation problems and gets them to Jason’s ship in one piece.

The princess reveals her plan of tracking down her father who went missing when searching for a fabled second water planet that was sent spinning out of its orbit in another unexplained chain of events that no one seems overly concerned with. Jason and Roscoe, despite being told that the Templars killed the King on said expedition, feign utter ignorance and risk their lives helping her in this endeavour. I guess the sight of disembodied metal dentures about to bite your junk off has that effect on some people. That, or the trauma of discovering some John Hammond reject in the form of space herpes that is now loose on the ship.

Life will find a way

Jason and co rendezvous at the Pirate Moon with the rest of his crew (Cher and Hellboy) and after a run in with a fellow pirate and his talking ballsack, cleverly disguised as parrot, they continue on their journey to find the lost planet and king.

Dude, It definitely looks bigger now you’ve shaved.

The path ahead is fraught with perils, like Unicorns, robots, Amazonian warriors and horny frog women but Jason makes time to have some of the costliest sex imaginable. Forget the projector on the wall displaying sexy landscapes –the entire room is being showered with water in some kind of faux thunderstorm. Gallons of water – the thing that exists on only a single planet in the entire galaxy? Remember that stuff? Apparently he doesn’t.

This is the first shower I’ve had in years!

It’s not long before their pursuers catch up with them yet again and as they enter the time field that envelops the centre of the galaxy , a climactic battle between the two sides ensues as they simultaneously begin to age as the ship accelerates.

“And I was one day away from retirement!”

Will Jason and his crew maintain their faculties long enough to beat down the bad guys or will they be drooling and pissing their pants long before they make it to the other side? Find out in The Ice Pirates.

Fuck unicorns. Cute and furry wins every time.

We dare you to buy The Ice Pirates on DVD!

Author Gamer Girl is a podcast co-host on FrontTowardsGamer Radio.  It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: 7 Reasons Why Roger Moore is the Best James Bond. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!

It’s true, we talk WAY too much about Marvel on the show, but we promise we have a ton of fun conversation about DC in this episode! Get ready Super Friends…

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Cape Crisis #48 Question: Man of Steel vs Iron Man 3 – which will be better?

I know a lot of you out there are both Parks and Recreation fans and very serious nerds. So unless I’m way off here, you’re going to fucking love this clip of this uncut improv from Patton Oswalt in an upcoming episode of Parks & Rec…

Fucks sake… 9 minutes was not enough!

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This week’s episode is all about SUPERHEROES. Our Top 5 is all about superheroes. Our new releases section is all about superheroes (well, mostly). Our news is all about superheroes (okay definitely not all but we still talk about them).

We tried to get Henry to join us but he was all sick and junk so you’ll just have to deal with the rest of us yokels talking about our favorite superhero games. We promise it’s not all about Green Arrow, although some of us wish it were. *siiiiiiigh* One million hearts go to anyone who draws us a picture of Gopher Trace.

All credit for this week’s title goes to Diana, who reminded us that Sunshine Superman by Donovan is a great song.

Question of the Week

Who or what do you think is hurting the games industry most? EA isn’t the only thing people are hating on.

HEY! You can totally still win this wicked awesome Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate 3DS case!

Tweet a link to this episode with #VidjagameApocalypse or #VGApocalypse somewhere in the tweet. Maybe say something nice about it so all your friends will think we’re cool. We will announce our winner on episode 12 so people have ample time to hear this and get their tweets out. *US ONLY*

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Laser Time BREAKS THE LAW! We beat our rap on petty theft, DUIs, murder and more…

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Sup, peoplez! While sometimes I feel like we’re constantly begging you guys for stuff, the reality is we really don’t ask for much. There’s the occasional “Spare a nickel?” or “Buy a shirt!” but that’s about it. Well, we really, really, REALLY need you guys help with something and it’s so absurdly easy and painless you’d have to be a real asshole to turn it down.

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And THAT’S IT! Answer six short questions and you’re done. This has to do with out hosting, show delivery and future podcast partners, so it means a pretty big deal to not only us personally, but the future of Laser Time and it’s sister shows. Seriously, we’d really appreciate it, plus we’ll keep hounding you guys until we get enough participants on the survey( roughly 250.) Okay, to add further incentive, leave a comment swearing – TO GOD! – that you took the survey. We’ll hook one of you up with a $20 Amazon Gift Card chosen at random.

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COMIC REVIEWS!!!

Batgirl #19

Gail Simone returns to Batgirl this month, and just in time, as Babara Gordon finally has her showdown with her homicidal younger brother, James Jr. Resolving a plot line that has been going on since before the New 52 relaunch, issue 19 puts a thrilling cap on this storyline while also teasing some interesting things to come. The issue doesn’t exactly play out like the gatefold cover suggests, but I was very surprised by some of the events that happen in the book .

While Ray Fawkes did a fine job filling in on the previous two issues, it’s clear that Simone’s voice was definitely needed for this issue. No writer has gotten into the head of Barbara Gordon like Simone has, and I sincerely hope she stays on the book for a very long time. Babs is both strong but also vulnerable, a fact highlighted here in her confrontation with her brother. There’s also some great interaction between Barbara and her roommate, which breaks some new ground in the comics industry.

Daniel Sampere is our artist this month, and while I do miss the work of Ardian Syaf, Sampere does an excellent job. His art matches up with Simone’s characterization, and he draws a very creepy James, Jr., a character that is interesting because he doesn’t have superpowers. There were times where I mistook Barbara for her mother though, but this is something that has become routine for many artists on the book.

Batgirl #19 marks the end (for now) of the James, Jr. story, and I’ll really miss the character.The fact that he’s the black sheep of the Gordon family is enough of a hook to make him intriguing, and he’s actually become one of my favorite new additions to the Bat rogues gallery. The cliffhanger at the end of the this issue is excellent, and looks to provide us with a very interesting new status quo for the foreseeable future. Batgirl is still a criminally underrated book in the DC stable, and more people need to check it out.

Secret Service #6 (of 6)

Oh hey Secret Service, almost forgot about you! In what’s quickly becoming the unfortunate norm with the Millarworld books, the final issue of Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons’ Secret Service has finally hit shelves, months after it was supposed to. However, to make it up to us we get a double sized finale that satisfyingly ends the story of Gary, the newest James Bond-esque member of the British Secret Service.

Millar’s clearly having a ball this issue playing with the common Bond tropes, from the villain hideout being a hollowed out Mt. Everest to the laser pen knife, and because of this, the book breezes by at a fast pace. Usually I might be upset with a book moving this quickly, but I found it to be so much fun that I didn’t mind at all. Dave Gibbons’ art is phenomenal, and he’s one of the few artists from the 80s’ who’s art hasn’t taken a complete nosedive when he entered the “modern” age of comics. Secret Service may have taken it’s sweet time getting here, but at least the wait was well worth it. Now I just have to sit and wait for the sequel.

Or the movie.

Jonwahizzle is a jack of all trades: Educator, comic book slinger for Jetpack Comics, and member of Another Let Down. Follow him on twitter and check out his blog, The Collective: Examples of Nerdery for more!

CAPE CRISIS RECOMMENDS:

Roger Moore doesn’t usually come to mind when weeding out the best Bond over the last 50 years. Sure, he’s a world away from Fleming’s vision, almost straying into comedy territory with his portrayal and these days it’s all about the dark, gritty reboots. But sometimes you need a hero that can appreciate just how bloody silly something is and is still happy to go along for the ride. Moore does just that and then some; a jovial sociopath verbally violating dying men with quips and puns, carrying out his patriotic duty with a seemingly constant erection stowed down his pants. Here’s 7 reasons why Roger rocked the tux.

1) He was Bond before he was Bond…

Even before he was cast in the role of the tuxedo-swathed Commander Bond, Moore was already flexing his eyebrows, honing his repertoire of bad jokes and generally hamming it up ten whole years before his silver screen debut in a comedy skit on the British TV show Mainly Milicent. Hell, take out the tittering audience and you’ve pretty much got the template for his entire run as everyone’s favourite superspy.

2) He has the best arch enemies

The Roger Moore run of Bond movies play host to some of the best Bond villains in the entire series and only the campiest of secret agents could take on this bizarre medley of whack jobs and still pull off a credible performance. Here are just a few:

It’s not the size that counts…

Francisco Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun. Three nipples, two sandwiches short of a picnic and one ridiculously impractical flat pack golden gun are just some of the highlights of this assassin-for-hire. Aside from the fact that it’s Christopher Count fucking Dracula Lee, he has his own henchmen try to assassinate him every now and then for kicks and keeps a dummy James Bond in his underground funhouse to practice his French kissing technique. Probably.

This floss seems kinda thick…

Jaws in The Spy who Loved Me and Moonraker. An indestructible giant with steel dentures and a penchant for biting anything at hand, be it vegetable, mineral or Bond.

Other kooky candidates include Nick Nack, Scaramanga’s right hand and heir who is ultimately thwarted by being stuffed into a suitcase; Baron Samedi,an immortal Voodoo god who nevertheless needs a robotic decoy to take a bullet in his place; May Day, a woman that oozes 80’s androgyny whilst casually bench-pressing men in her spare time; and Dr. Kananga, who harbours a split personality disorder that apparently includes Micheal Jackson circa the 90s and meets his demise when Bond shoves compressed air pellet down his gullet resulting in one of the most hilarious on-screen deaths ever.

3) He’s the perviest Bond by a mile.

Moore’s Bond is the happiest to casually abuse his position and the tools at his disposal just to get laid. And the best part? He truly doesn’t give a fuck.

Despite being on the payroll of Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Moore’s Bond is happy to receive payment for his specialty services in sexual favours from a desperate Andrea Anders in The Man with the Golden Gun and the sticky cherry on this gooey cake of depravity? He stuffs a co-worker he was seconds away from porking into a cupboard while he does the deed.

You’ll get your turn!

In Live and Let Die, he pulls out all the stops to seduce a young virgin, knowing full well that the minute they utter “Lahium!” over the breaking of her hymen, she’ll lose her tarot superpowers and become useless to the religiously superstitious Dr. Kananaga. After relentlessly chipping away at her resolve like a horny woodpecker, he finally gets his way by turning her tarot cards against her using a trick deck.  Before you watch the video, just consider the practicalities of this little stunt; Bond would have to locate a shop that stocks the exact tarot deck Solitaire uses, buy approximately 80 packs, sift through each for the Lovers card, construct his trick deck and slide a couple of random cards on top before showing up in her room to cinch the deal. There is nothing this guy won’t do for a little poontang.

So far Roger Moore has holds the record for sticking his tongue down the most Bond girls’ throats with a tally of 20. That’s commitment to the job.

4) Amazing stunts

The Moore movies have had some of the most epic moments in the series. Kananga’s comical death aside, here are just a few of them:

Another Live and Let Die entry, Bond is so badass he uses crocodiles as scaly stepping stones without even breaking a sweat.

No stranger to finding himself in ludricous situations, in Moonraker, Bond is tossed from a plane and has to grapple a foe for his parachute on the way down, enduring a faceful of buttocks in the process.

And who could forget the famous The Union Jack parachute moment from The Spy Who Loved Me.

5) He’s all for equality

Always one to support the feminist movement, Bond does what he can to promote gender equality in the workplace.

6) He doesn’t take himself too seriously

Roger Moore’s Bond persona embraces the lashings of cheese thickly spread over his run in the series creating such absurd moments as the slide whistle car stunt.

The final segment of the Venice boat chase which transcends action movie status and gears up into full blown comedy.

And one of the most farcical characters of the series to date – the redneck Sheriff Pepper.

7) Moobs

Daniel Craig may be rocking a diamond hard six pack but Moore was never afraid to unleash his sagging man boobs for all the world to see. The oldest Bond, Moore came to the role at the ripe age of 42 and was in in his early 60s when he hung up the bowtie, but he never let that stop him from giving us an eyeful of man titties.

So there you have it. Seven reasons why Roger Moore could be considered the best Bond of the last 50 years. Don’t agree…?

*sad face*

Author Gamer Girl is a podcast co-host on FrontTowardsGamer Radio.  It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: Biggles: Advemtures in Time. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!

Beloved characters, films and entertainers ruined forever by disgusting behavior and unspeakable secrets…

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In this week’s episode of Vidjagame Apocalypse we talk Lara Croft wannabes and some sad news. We’re also doing a giveaway! Yay!

Question of the Week

Which LucasArts game do you have the fondest memories of?

Also, what should the name of our skull cartridge logo be? We don’t know what to call him.

Want this super rad (and shiny) Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate 3DS Case?

Tweet a link to this episode with #VidjagameApocalypse or #VGApocalypse somewhere in the tweet. Maybe say something nice about it so all your friends will think we’re cool. We will announce our winner on episode 12 so people have ample time to hear this and get their tweets out. *US ONLY*

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We celebrate the centerpiece of the wrestling year by recounting our favorite WrestleMania matches and memories before laying the prediction smackdown on WrestleMania 29!

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After a work related break, we’re back again to talk about Spider-Man and other things, just as God intended…

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Cape Crisis #47 Question: What’s the first cover you remember seeing?

On this week’s episode of Vidjagame Apocalypse we revisit some of our favorite anxiety-inducing music from games and talk about beloved games from our youth.

Sorry this episode is a little late. We ran into a minor technical difficulty. It’s here now and we may all rejoice! Heads up kids, Chris is on this episode which means we’ll be talking about a certain duck-centric game for quite a while.

Question of the Week

If you could see any game or series get remade, what would it be? With all the reboots we’re curious to see what you folks would like to see next.

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We get a little silly in this week’s episode of Vidjagame Apocalypse and talk about BIOSHOCK INFINITE OMG.

Episode 8 of Vidjagame Apocalypse is all about our favorite alcoholics with a very healthy helping of BioShock Infinite talk. Don’t worry, we don’t get spoilery. Also, we highly recommend NEVER drinking Four Loco. It’s awful and makes us all want to cry.

The song playing during the break is, of course, Too Drunk to Fuck by Dead Kennedys.

Question of the Week

Do you think when you have a smaller team or even an individual working on a game it produces more interesting or maybe better quality games than when you’ve got a large team with perhaps a more fractured vision? This isn’t necessarily indie games vs AAA games. Do you think game designers nowadays suck because often they don’t really have to have the skills to actually create their games or does that not matter? Something we didn’t mention in the episode: Is a good game with a small team behind it more impressive than a great game created by a large team?

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He co-created Spider-Man, created Doctor Strange, and is one of the most important comic artists of all time, yet he’s ignored any publicity for decades. What happened to Steve Ditko?

No doubt this video will be old news to our readers in the UK, but we’d bet many US comic fans haven’t heard of In Search of Steve Ditko. Hosted by TV talking head/mega-fanboy Jonathon Ross, he’s looking for Steve Ditko, a man who hasn’t done an interview since the 1960s. And did Ross ever do his homework. This has got to be the most informed, comic literate doc ever made.

At first it seems Ross will only be talking to some of the most important UK comic folks, which is totally fine. Who doesn’t want to hear what Neil Gaiman or Mark Millar have to say about Ditko? Alan Moore is particularly interesting figure in the story. He talks about basing Rorschach on Ditko creations The Question and Mr. A, then talks about how strange it is that liberals loved Ditko’s work when Steve is a hard-right lover of Objectivism. How often do you see Alan Moore talk about someone being more peculiar than him?

Anyway, the Brits give context, but Ross heads to New York and meets with the people that were there. Hardcore Spider-Man fans will thrill to see Ross interview John Romita Sr., Jerry Robinson, and Ralph Macchio about their experiences with Ditko. Even Joe Quesada goes on record about the virtues of Steve’s work. But Ross’ biggest get has to be Stan Lee.

Ross gets Stan to go on record about his experience with Steve, open up about their arguments over attributing responsibility for Spider-Man’s creation, and even gets Stan to drop down his practiced media facade. And yet, while Stan could be the bad guy of the documentary, they end up treating him fairly, showing his consternation with the famously difficult Ditko while still showing him massive respect. Is Lee only doing this because there’s a camera on him? Who can say.

Anyway, if you’ve never watched it, now is the time. It’s a crash course in comic history, packing so much info in just one hour.

CAPE CRISIS RECOMMENDS:

We are all about bro-love in this week’s episode of Vidjagame Apocalypse.

For reals, this episode is about bromance, yo. We discuss our favorite bros with bro-nefits, make waaaaaay too many bro puns and really lose our shit near the end. Seriously… We have no idea what happened. About 20 minutes from the end of the episode all the puns start messing with our heads.

The song that plays over the break is Rad Bromance by Hi Im Rawn. If you’re curious, here’s what we’re watching at the very end of the episode:

Question of the Week

Bros before hoes?

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Has “white knighting” killed our ability to make jokes?

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The recent passing of the Father of Death prompts a Cheap Popcast funeral party! We examine how death has been treated during the history of WWE, before moving onto WWE Choose Your Own Adventure!

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