A few years ago, when internet list articles were all the rage and we were cranking them out on a regular basis, I jokingly said I could write one about any topic out there. “Top 7 Trees? Let’s do this!” was my ridiculous example (little did I know I’d write about far more absurd things down the line). But now, after years of unchecked list article growth, I think even this aggressively uninteresting topic has been covered to death, resulting in a tangled bramble of morning wood puns.
Yet no one covered Wild Woody, who is literally a walking boner joke
And sadly, other than a shoehorned Wild Woody reference, I barely have anything to add to this conversation. But Chris and I started talking about possible Laser Time content and I said, “Hey, I could finally write that tree thing.” And here it is. Will the four year wait be worth it? Probably not!
10 – BIG ASS BORING TREE (Wizards & Warriors)
We recently discussed the long-dead Wizards & Warriors series in VGMpire, and even during a podcast solely about music I couldn’t help but talk about the seemingly endless trees that clutter the game’s opening level. You enter through a Keebler-elf-sized door and then proceed to leap from one impossibly tiny platform to the next, always fearful of falGOD DAMN IT BEES NOW I HAVE TO CLIMB UP THE WHOLE THING AGAIN!
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
From the outside, they appear as any ol’ tree might – brown, some branches, presumably some leaves if you make it high enough. But getting high enough to enjoy these alleged leaves takes such persistence, such determination, that the tree becomes some kind of pre-Dark-Souls exercise in punishing futility. And for this, they transcend run of the mill (HA!) trees and become something much more sinister.
9 – ENDING TREE (Dr Mario)
Let’s move on to an otherwise common tree that manages to stand apart. While playing pharmacy-em-up Dr Mario on medium or hard difficulty, you’re treated to a handful of quick cutscenes that show the three viruses chillin’ on top of a tree. These interstitials get progressively weirder as the levels pile on, but the final one is a doozy:
They were aliens rescued by the Close Encounters ship, I guess?
So it would seem the Dr Mario viruses were simply extraterrestrials trying to get home? And the game is about systematically killing them all in some kind of microscopic genocide? Oh right, the tree – well it’s just a tree, but you see it so often I feel it’s worthy of representing all non-sentient, non life-giving video game trees. Plus it made Carolyn cry when she saw her mom beat the game for the first time – the peaceful little guys finally got to go home!
8 – THE LIVING FOREST (Mortal Kombat II)
Ah, at last – our first treeture (aka tree creature, TM Brett Elston age 12). It’s amazing what this simple, barely animated background achieved – with just a basic facial expression, we assume these woods are deeply threatening, and therefor the whole of Outworld must be similarly twisted. We now “know” a great deal about the world of Mortal Kombat, just by observing the nightmarish location of the battles. In reality, all the devs did was make a tree with a face on it, something taken right from The Wizard of Oz, and we interpreted it as a presumably menacing enemy that set the tone for the entire series.
The Living Forest returns in MK 2011, but this time it will eat you
As iconic trees go, this really is near the top of the list. Just about anyone who’s played a game in the past 20 years (or maybe not even that) could identify, generally, from where these trees came. But as a tree tree, eeeeeh they just kinda sit there and don’t really impede or aid you in any way. Like most real world trees, they’re just kinda… there.
I was a child when this article was announced. I’m a man now.
Whispy Woods! The same tree was also in Kirby Mass Attack (last year) only in color! TREES!!
when I read “mana tree” i thought “symphonia’s tree was better” and then I saw it as No.3 😀
YES! I have been waiting for this ever since an intoxicated Brett drunkenly slurred out a top 7 about dogs!
Finally. The whole time I was reading I was hoping for the Iifa tree. That tree was cool as shit. Because reasons.
Definitely worth the wait!
Yeh! Iifa Tree for the win!
You still got it Elston!
For years, this list has been teased. Finally glad it came out!!! Great job, Brett!
The mind reels at what you may write next, sir!
No Genesis Tree from Legend of Legaia?
Meh… :L
Harold was my favorite.
Holy cow, you guys finally did it.
The only memorable video game tree I can think of off the top of my head are those ones in the first level of Actraiser that look so angry while shuffling you back and forth.
Probably my favorite tree-related article ever.
I’ve been waiting for this moment, for all my life, oooh lord
Final top 10 trees!
The Mana Tree is like the Wife Arm of trees, except you know.. it’s a mom arm?
Excellent list article, Brett. Now…how ’bout some of dem FAPs?
Glad to see this has finally come to fruition
kinda surprised Okami didnt make the list. You know, as a token entry
This might be the most anticipated top list ever written! As time goes on i am starting to see that everything that i loved about gamesradar is slowly being removed and it seems like chris is pulling it out of the dumpster gamesrader left it in and transplanting it into the heart of lasertime.
YES! I’ve been waiting for this article for years! Thank you so much Brett!
Great read thanks 😛
In my mind there are only a few articles i like more than this, one being your vast history on cases and the other cartridge colours. I think it would be awesome if you wrote a weekly article, it doesn’t even have to be a list. Just please do another without teasing it years in advance.
This was a treet! durr
No Deadly Premonition Tree? Really? *cue brelston effect* Ohh Well.
Nice article! Or is that “Arhticle?” Anyway, I am looking over the box art article over at GamesRadar.com and I remember when I first read it. I loved it then and I love it now. Box art has always fascinated me and if I wasn’t a stupid kid who destroyed all my box art using it for my game cases, I probably would still have it now lol.
I love how stupid and non-committal this is. good ol Brett
I love the term “pharmacy-em-up.”
Brosten,this is very paperthin.heeeeeeoooo chip chiperson
Why the hell weren’t the mario 64 trees in here you could climb them! So that obviously means they are the best can you climb the deku tree; no you can’t.
Oh god this article is glorious.
I love this article. More content like this, please. EVERY DAY 😉
This was the Best Top 10 Trees article I have ever read by Brett Elston
When I saw this sitting on the Laser Time front page (after downloading a podcast of the same name), my first thought was, ‘Wow, it’s finally been written. …Welp, better read it then!’
(Could you kindly change my post to this screen name? Wasn’t paying attention and put down my actual name instead of trying to be funny)
When I saw this article sitting on the Laser TIme homepage (after downloading a podcast of the same name) my first thought was ‘Wow, it’s finally been written. …Welp, guess I’d better read it!’.
I’m so happy you finally wrote this list, but I can’t believe Okami didn’t make the cut.
Still one of the most ridiculous and awesome articles I have ever read.
This caused a chain reaction of thoughts first wow this article mentioned about 2 years ago came into existence, then wow it was from the goodbye Tdar episode of laser time and finally would be awesome if you guys dug up the responses to Tdar and read them. Also good article kinda miss these top articles from back in the day.
I mean Tdar 198