But mostly worst. Either way, see ’em all before they’re forgotten again…
Just like we did here with our exhaustive expose on Adult Jokes in Kids Cartoons, here’s a visual companion to Laser Time’s Animated Vanity episode! What happens when popular athletes actors, and comedians meet with idea-starved Hollywood executives? On special occasions, an uninspired, forgettable, and short-lived cartoon series! Below you’ll find the animated intros to each and every unbelievably egocentric and wholly animated vanity projects we discussed in this here episode. After all, we wouldn’t expect you to just take our word for it when we say that Damon Wayans had a cartoon series starring a crippled version of himself – you gotta see that shat for yourself!
Airdate: 1989-1992 (3 seasons)
Official Description: “Comedian John Candy runs a summer camp!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: Sensing that his heart is about to explode, a corpulent Canadian actor opts to move forward with a production that doesn’t require him to stand.
Airdate: 1991 (13 episodes)
Official Description: “Nick McClary owned a magic baseball glove which, if punched three times, granted his every wish!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: Macaulay Culkin’s people deftly maneuver their meal ticket off camera to shield the public from the decaying cuteness of their star brought upon by the inevitable onset of puberty in this insipid blend of Aladdin and The Twilight Zone.
HULK HOGAN’S ROCK N’ WRESTLING
Airdate: 1985-1987 (2 seasons)
Official Description: “The stars of the World Wrestling Federation go beyond the mat to find wacky adventure!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: Vince McMahon capitalizes on the popularity of the characters of WWF by refusing to pay them to voice themselves in crude plotlines ripped straight from I Love Lucy from the animators who brought you Inspector Gadget.
Airdate: 1990-1998 (8 seasons, 81 episodes)
Official Description: “From the mind of Howie Mandel comes an animated adventure through the mind of an imaginative little boy!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: Talentless comedian more famous for rubber gloved antics than jokes or punchlines, rehashes a silly voice used previously for Gizmo (Gremlins) and Skeeter (Muppet Babies) to earn yet another undeserved paycheck. (And that’s by his own admission!)
LIFE WITH LOUIE
Airdate: 1994-1998 (3 seasons, 38 episodes, 1 Christmas Special)
Official Description: “The adventures of Louie Anderson as a child, growing up with his sweet-hearted mother, his loud and war crazed father, his 10 siblings!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: A fat and unlikable comedian voices several fat and unlikable characters.
KID N’ PLAY
Airdate: 1990-1991 (13 episodes)
Official Description: “[They’re] the stars of stage and wax and video/ [They’re] about to tear it up, so here we go!” (Actual lyrics from the intro)
Cynical Laser Time Take©: While an iconic hairstyle could certainly propel one into celebrity during the waning shadows of the 80s, the Marge Simpson of Happy Rap hairstyles (not sure who’s Kid and who’s Play) could do little to distinguish this show.
Airdate: 1991 (13 episodes)
Official Description: “Three of the most famous sports stars of the day team up to respond to emergencies around the world!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: The second worst animated Michael Jordan pairing after Space Jam! The only thing “Bo Knows” these days is how to disappear completely from the public eye.
Airdate: 1991 (13 episodes)
Official Description: “Whenever trouble threatens his homeboys, Stanley puts on his magical dancing shoes and is transformed into his super-heroic alter-ego, Hammerman!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: At the height of his career, MC Hammer’s critics accused him of being the biggest sellout rap music had ever known. Then Hammer starred in this superhero cartoon and made them all look fucking stupid.
Airdate: 1965-1969 (4 seasons, 39 episodes)
Official Description: “The musical adventures of the greatest of the Rock Bands!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: Even though The Beatles had outgrown their mop-top and matching suit persona, the public had not. While the band was growing beards and dropping acid, viewers ate up this idiotic cartoon that proved there was no measure of hackneyed merchandise the Fab Four couldn’t distance themselves from.
Airdate: 1996 (13 episodes)
Official Description: “A 10 year-old boy deals with the problems of pre-adolescence in his neighborhood in lower Manhattan!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: The cancellation of In Living Color left dozens of Wayans siblings unemployed. Desperate measures were taken in the form of this completely forgotten cartoon show starring a younger and crippled variation of Damon Wayans, who strangely looks more like a black version of those awful aliens from Mac & Me.
Airdate: 1990 (13 episodes)
Official Description: “A madcap cartoon starring an 8-year-old version of Roseanne Barr!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: It appears Roseanne was too busy with her sitcom to lend her voice to, um… herself, so we’re left with a depiction that makes Lil’ Rosie sound a helluva lot more like a female W.C. Fields. Cancellation was swift and just.
Airdate: 2003-2004 (2 seasons, 12 episodes)
Official Description: “An animated parody of Hollywood from the mind and mouth of Robert Evans!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: Desperate to find an animated companion piece for its ratings hit, South Park, Comedy Central greenlit this show based on the persona most of its lead-in audience had never heard of.
CLASS OF 3000
Airdate: 2006-2008 (2 seasons, 28 episodes)
Official Description: “Animated series about an Atlanta performing arts school grad who ditches a successful music career to become a music teacher!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: The wackier half of Outkast leads up a show most of his fans never knew existed. This very well could be the most modern take on lamentable practice of needlessly shoving celebrities into cartoons.
THE GARY COLEMAN SHOW
Airdate: 1982 (13 episodes)
Official Description: “Guardian angel Andy LeBeau goes to Earth, and hangs out with some other children and helps with their problems!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: Aside from Casper, probably the only animated show that begins with the implied death of its star. If any of you have received help from a ghostly Gary Coleman apparition, just relax. It’s all part of Hanna-Barbera’s poorly animated prophecy.
CHUCK NORRIS KARATE KOMMANDOS
Airdate: 1986 (5 episodes)
Official Description: “Carlos Ray Norris plays a US operative who has a team consisting of Pepper, a technological genius, Kimo, a Samurai warrior, Reed, his apprentice, Tabe, a Sumo warrior, and Too Much, the young ward. Together they foil the plans of The Claw and his right hand man, The Super Ninja!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: Chuck Norris’s semi-racist cartoon didn’t get canceled after 5 episodes, he renewed every other show but his. (Yeah… we shoulda let the Chuck Norris Facts stuff stay dead. Sorry!)
Mister T (starring Mr. T!)
Airdate: 1983-1986 (3 seasons)
Official Description: “Mr. T and his young gymnastics team fight crime whenever they encounter it on their tour!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: A single, half-naked adult travels around with a brood of unguarded children? Sounds like a recipe for sexy!
JACKIE CHAN ADVENTURES
Airdate: 200-2005 (3 seasons)
Official Description: “Jackie Chan and his extended family must fight a criminal organization for magic talismans that could release an evil spirit!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: Nothing to say really. We’re just pretty ashamed we missed this one…
THE BOTS MASTER
Airdate: 1993 (1 season, 40 episodes)
Official Description: “Listen up you all, you’re the Boyzz brigade / When it’s Laser Time put on the 3D shades!”
Cynical Laser Time Take©: “Listen up you all, you’re the Boyzz brigade / When it’s Laser Time put on the 3D shades!”