If a 25–foot animatronic shark just doesn’t float your boat like it used to, but you still have to satiate your bloodlust by witnessing a bunch of bothersome cretins get savagely mauled on a lovely day out by the sea, then by golly, is this the movie for you.
Genre: Action/ Horror
Director: Greg McLean
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In what is essentially a 90 minute tourism ad for the Kakadu National Park, a gaggle of tourists are herded onto a low lying and rather flimsy looking boat to commence a crocodile watching cruise along the river. Amongst the holidaymakers is American travel writer Pete, who has a stick so far up his arse you could turn him upside down, hop on to his earlobes and use him as a pogo stick.
Thanks to the very thorough boarding procedure, all of the other passengers get their intro scenes, allowing us to appreciate the fact that in real life, such a high concentration of annoying characters would be unlikely to congregate at a single location, lest the very fabric of the universe is torn asunder. The tour operator Kate also has her dog Kevin on board, so we can pretty much assume that he’s not going to get out of this alive.
After 20 minutes of wrestling with the decision to either puncture your own ear drums to put an end to the inane chatter spewing from the boat or enjoy the first live action holiday brochure to make it to the big screen, Sam Worthington’s bare arse flashes by on a passing vessel to liven things up.
The tour makes a brief stop to deal with his latent anger issues whilst his pal Colin wisely utilises this time to burp pointedly at the passengers. Kate finally decides that maybe everyone has had enough of watching her deliver a repertoire of weak burns to a friend who hasn’t yet grasped the concept of professionalism in the workplace, and sails off whilst Neil and his pasty bottom plunge into the crocodile infested water.
This somehow isn’t treated as an emergency by anyone, so clearly malicious croc attacks are not to be given any credence. Well that’s thatcleared up! Drama hits again when a flare is spotted and Kate decides that the most sensible thing to do in this situation is to take a boatload of fellow civilians up river, trespassing on sacred ground, and ignoring the giant croc warning signs slapped onto the rocks.
Wouldn’t you know it; they get rammed by the croc and end up on a tiny speck of dirt in the middle of the river with a broken boat and waterlogged radios. The only guy who seemed to have his head screwed on promptly gets eaten up when no one’s looking by the Sammo Hung of crocodiles, which despite its gargantuan size, made no sound whatsoever and caused barely a ripple.
But not to worry! Kate is sure to get the rest of them killed fairly soon with her complete and utter incompetence; she appoints herself head honcho despite the fact that she couldn’t organise a Rob Schneider cameo in an Adam Sandler movie. Before she can think up any more bright ideas, Neil and Colin pop up again because apparently they’re stalkers, and, as it turns out, blind and deaf, because they race around showboating, totally ignoring the bust up tour boat lolling in the water and frantic cries from everyone on shore.
Subsequently, Colin gets added to the death toll and Neil isn’t as stupid as he looks, as he cooks up a plan to get them off the island onto the shore before the tide swallows them all up.
Predictably it all goes to shit and Darwin turns in his grave as the survival of the fittest is turned on its head as the brain dead manage to outlast their intelligent counterparts. Will it be the tide that finishes them off? Will we get to see any more naked bums? Find out in Rogue.
Author Gamer Girl writes for FrontTowardsGamer.com and GamerGirlTalk.com. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: CEMETERY MAN See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!