Only a ninja can stop a ninja. And only a ninja’s son can beat the crap out of a Sonya Blade lookalike and a hulking fat ass who likes to play with nunchucks.
REVENGE OF THE NINJA (1983)
Genre: Action/ Thriller/ Martial Arts
Director: Sam Firstenberg
Cho Osaki, a ninja with a penchant for doll making, arrives home seconds after the world’s most inept ninjas have just slaughtered his family. Having made short work of picking off the women and children, the dozen or so ninjas wearing bright red sashes somehow camouflage themselves amongst the greenery until his return to confront him. Luckily Cho has backup in the form of Braden; a white guy with a gun who strikes a number of poses looking constipated in the undergrowth whilst Cho takes on a veritable army of bad guys and of course emerges victorious.
But things aren’t as glum as they seem, because Cho’s baby boy was secreted away in the surrounding forest and his mum, who was conveniently absent during the attack, shimmies back home looking about as distraught as Cho himself, which isn’t much. Braden invites Cho to the land of McDonalds and escalating obesity to escape death by ninja and whilst weighing up the horror of both options, mama Cho pipes up to pop in her two penny’s worth and it turns out, is strongly opposed to leaving because she doesn’t trust Braden and his shifty eyes.
Despite busting Cho’s chops, the old baggage didn’t turn down a free flight to America and six years later, the Osakis are living happily in the US and miraculously, no one’s turned into a fatty. The place is brimming with multicultural bullies though who aren’t averse to taking on a 6 year old boy and his old granny.
The little munchkin initiates the first of many fights to come and gets slapped around like a little bitch before whooping some serious ass. Cho is none too pleased when he finds out and takes his son Kane back to the dojo to tell him that they will not follow the way of the ninja in America and whips out his sword as testament to this statement, telling him that it’s sealed forever – sealed with a little strip of paper, the hardiest of all materials known to man.
With the obligatory parenting out of the way, Cho’s assistant and karate student Kathy shows up wearing everything except a pair of pants in a subtle attempt at seduction. Unfortunately, she opted for a pair of beige tights instead, and any hint of sexiness dribbles away as her granny crotch is exposed during their ‘training’ session which inevitably ends up with one straddling the other on the floor. But Cho isn’t quite ready to move on yet and rudely leaves her in a damp puddle of her own sexual secretions.
With that awkwardness out of the way, the pair is on schedule to start Cho and Braden’s business venture – a Japanese doll gallery – with a smashing logo that doesn’t look at all like a pair of bum cheeks framing a gaping anal opening.
But the gallery is a front for importing heroine as little Kane finds out when he smashes an authentic, handmade doll that comes with its own genuine, handmade cocktail umbrella, which is enough to tip off anyone with half a brain that something is afoot.
Braden’s deal to sell the drugs to a mob boss backfires, resulting in an all-out turf war. Braden turns out to be a secret ninja and takes out the Mafioso one at a time. Sensing that Kathy is on the cusp of spilling the beans to Cho, he hypnotises her, because ninjas can do that apparently, and sends her to take care of Kane, making for one of the most hilarious fight scenes ever.
Cho does a little of his own detective work and enlists the YMCA in his enquiries, before getting a phone call from Kathy – no longer under the influence – who tells him everything.
Cho realises he has to become a ninja once again, breaking the impenetrable paper seal on his sword and setting out to track down and kill Braden. He correctly assumes his son can take care of business himself, and Kane manages to break out the sauna room he was being held prisoner in and release Kathy who was trussed up in a Jacuzzi for no discernible reason, while beating the shit out of a bumbling, nameless villain with his own nunchucks.
Cho and Braden face off on the rooftops in an epic battle between the forces of good and evil, although I’d question the goodness of a man who’s happy to spit a mouthful of caltrops into another man’s face.
Will Cho win the day? Will Kathy ever find her pants? And just how many robot decoys has Braden stuffed into his ninja briefcase? Find out in Revenge of the Ninja.