Poison Popcorn – New Kids Nitro

New Kids Nitro Header


The Dutch are known for many things; their pungent ovens, reliance on alcohol in the face of danger and magnificent coffee shops that don’t sell a bean of the brown stuff. And now there’s a new Dutch staple that you need to add to the list – The New Kids – and they come with mullets, moustaches and the most ridiculously flammable tracksuit of all time. But best of all, they’re now available with zombies.

Genre: Action/ Comedy
Director: Steffen Haars and Flip Van der Kuil
Rated: R
Buy the DVD at amazon UK because your Government is too afraid to import it. Or it just doesn’t have a distributor yet.

A newly fallen meteorite in the town of Friesland is discovered by a herd of cows in the depths of the night and turns out to be this season’s new salt lick. An interview with the local farmer reveals that his cows are lactating all over the place and due to an overabundance of the produce any Frisians craving the white stuff can help themselves for free.

Milky Udders

In the midst of what must have been a week slower than a horse race to the glue factory, the news station airs repeated interviews with the farmer who looks a bit worse for wear each time we see him, what with yanking on teats and downing jugs of unpasteurised milk twenty-four seven and a cough, sick and a splutter later he’s a full blown zombie with a serious grudge against reporters.

Zombie Farmer
Got Milk?

Oblivious to the burgeoning epidemic, the New Kids are revelling in the culture of happy hardcore, rebelling against society at large by pissing on everyone else’s bonfire and starting turf wars with guys called Dave – the worst kind of David.

New Kids Nitro Dave kiddy aids
Dave’s repertoire of witty rebuttals were renowned…

What begins as a pill fuelled dance off with Dave to get him and his goons to stay away from the village for all eternity quickly escalates into a race to the death that gets them all arrested before anyone has the opportunity to die. Being thrown behind bars leaves Mama New Kid alone and vulnerable to Dave’s threats of even more vengeance so the one phone call is used to tell her to get the hell out dodge.

New Kids Nitro in prison

Luckily they don’t have to fester away in jail for too long as the MoD pays them a visit to plead for their help in the Friesland situation in exchange for guns, piles of money, and immediate release. They take the deal and instantly welsh on it so that they can go and check on the old baggage back in the trailer park.

New Kids Nitro trailer park

Finding her in significantly better condition than her trailer, they pack her off on a bus to a nearby town to wait in relative luxury whilst Dave is being dealt with. But what’s this? That little Friesland problem is getting out of hand even with the government’s innovative safety measures in place.

New Kids Nitro zombie proofing
Should we tell him that tape isn’t zombie proof…?

The New Kids rally their followers and meet with Dave and his cronies for an epic battle at the roadside but before gang leaders Dave and Reis can face off, Reis gets a call from his mum to let him know that things have gone tits up in a big way and the bus is under zombie attack. Well that’s what she probably would have said – as it was, all of that information is relayed via a series of hysterical screams in the interest of saving time.

New Kids Nitro zombie bus attack

With a common enemy and united by the love for dear old mums everywhere, the New Kids and their new ally Dave & Co. Kirkman the fuck out of their Opel Manta and set off into Friesland on a rescue mission, where shit gets real – you can tell because everything gets very grainy, very quickly.

New Kids Nitro Kirkman Mobile

It’s the Kirkman Mobile!

With no goverment backing, no hope and no underpants, will the New Kids save the day, save the mum and get to screw whores and never work again? Join the new Kids and go nitro to find out.

New Kids Nitro zombie bait
If you expose it, they will come…


New Kids Nitro Movie Poster Alt VersionWe dare you to buy New Kids Nitro on DVD!

Author Gamer Girl writes for FrontTowardsGamer.com and GamerGirlTalk.com. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: THE CHURCH! See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!


3 thoughts on “Poison Popcorn – New Kids Nitro

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.