A Beastmaster wannabe and his curly-haired sidekick team up to take down a perpetually climaxing villainess and her army of wookies in Fulci’s Conquest. Gore galore and breasts aplenty await you through a Vaseline coated lens, which is called a ‘filter’ in world of showbiz. You’re welcome.
Genre: Action/ Adventure/ Fantasy
Director: Lucio Fulci
Buy the DVD
What starts out as an allegory for puberty for our effeminate protagonist takes a dive into the realm of bromance when the weedy Illias tries to be a hero and gets his arse handed to him by the wolfmen minions of the evil Ocron. He does manage to end the illustrious career of one of his assailants with a well-aimed arrow to the knee but strolling around Skyrim regaling strangers with tales of your adventuring days has got to be more preferable than what happened to this chap.
Illias is rescued by a monosyllabic hunk of meat, known only as ‘Mace’ to his enemies. You see, Mace has no friends, preferring the company of animals, but his wildly misplaced social skills dictate that he politely introduces himself to his adversaries before culling them to death with his furry nunchucks.
Despite proclaiming to have no love for his fellow man, something about the innocent, boyish Illias and his magical bow makes Mace feel all warm and fuzzy inside and he offers to take the little squirt under his wing in exchange for having a play with his equipment – the likes of which have never been seen in this part of the world.
Illias agrees and an opportunity soon presents itself for a little target practice; namely an unarmed, defenceless old man traipsing through the valley with a freshly slaughtered pig slung across his back for dinner.
Illias seems to be completely unfazed by the nonchalant murder and subsequent theft carried out by Mace, who justifies the whole scenario by explaining that this is a clever way to circumvent the killing of a majestic beast whilst still having a load of pig meat to nosh on. Screw the poor old bugger who just got a faceful of arrow.
As their bromance blossoms, more innocent villagers are being killed elsewhere but this time they’re dying by the hand of Ocron’s minions. Cudgelling old codger’s brains in for fun and tearing naked woman in two like a giant wishbone may seem excessive, but if that’s how Ocron gets her jollies, who are we to judge? In the wake of the gore fest, Ocron makes an appearance (also in the buff) to suck out the brains of any severed heads left over from the massacre, which apparently acts as the fuel for her everlasting orgasms.
Ocron and her bared breasts continue to slurp up brains and writhe around draped in snakes for the remainder of the film, having visions about a faceless warrior armed with a bow coming to kill her. After numerous failed attempts by her wolfmen at tracking down and killing Illias, she calls in the big guns and summons a creeper from Minecraft to do the job for her in exchange for a bit of hanky panky once the deed is done.
The summoned Zora, feeling a bit frisky, pulls out all the stops to track down and defeat Illias, including drawing lines over his head. But Mace continues to cock block him at every turn by thwarting his attempts time and again.
Deciding that B-cups just don’t warrant this much effort, Zora and his pendulous blue balls abandon Ocron with a beleaguered ‘go fuck yourself’ sigh.
It’s up to Mace to save the land and defeat Ocron. Will someone who can fashion a floor length cloak but is unable to pop on a pair of trousers be up to the task? Find out in Conquest.
We dare you to buy Conquest on DVD!
Author Gamer Girl writes for FrontTowardsGamer.com and GamerGirlTalk.com. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: DEATHSPORT! See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!