If the thought of naked space vampires rampaging through London spawning zombies and body snatching at every turn doesn’t turn your nipples hard enough to chisel their way through a diamond bra then perhaps watching Patrick Stewart play a round of tonsil tennis with a burly astronaut will pique your b-movie boner in the flesh fest that is Lifeforce.
Genre: Sci-Fi/ Horror/ Thriller
Director: Tobe Hooper
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Straight off the bat we know there’s going to be some seriously weird shit going on because the land of tea and crumpets is taking the lead in a manned space flight, but a handful of yanks have been thrown into the mix to keep things from going too crazy. Their mission is to slide on up to the passing Halley’s Comet, perform a bit of vague science in its general vicinity and head on back to Earth, but the crew of the Churchill scrap that plan in favour of boarding the 150 mile long spaceship they find hitched up to the comet’s tail.
Having lost all communication with mission control, Colonel Tom Carlsen, captain of the expedition, leads almost everyone aboard and in a move that would make the crew of the Prometheus look like paragons of basic common sense, ploughs on through the room full of the desiccated corpses of giant bats and hauls the three naked humanoids he finds encased in crystalline cases back to the ship without a second’s thought.
A month later, with no word whatsoever from the crew, mission control spot the returning Churchill hurtling homeward and send a rescue team to rendezvous with the vessel to find out just what the heck is going on up there. They find the entirety of the ship gutted by fire but the nudie cargo is mysteriously intact. Without pausing to spend at least five minutes wondering about that, they somehow lug the humanoids back to the space centre located in the centre of London and begin investigating the sole female first, because really, who wants to mess about with some alien guy’s junk and have that flapping about in their face when there’s a nubile looking young woman to be examined.
The examination is postponed indefinitely when the subject decides she’s had enough of pretending to be unconscious and snogs her way out of the facility without bothering to pick up a change of clothes on the way. The only downside to being on the receiving end of her cunning escape plot is that her creepy frenching sucks out the life force of her victim turning them into mummy-like husks for a couple of hours before they reanimate and start sucking the life force from any hapless sod who happens to be in the area. And hey presto, we have ourselves some zombies!
Meanwhile Colonel Carlsen is located in an escape pod in Texas and is flown to London immediately for questioning. He confesses to torching the Churchill and spins a yarn about the aliens casting a spell on the crew leaving him no choice but to burn everything and make a quick getaway. Further questioning under hypnosis reveals that Carlsen has a mental bond with the female space vampire who is now also psychic.
She plays a few mind games to get Carlsen and his sidekick out of London while she decimates the populous with the assistance of her muscle whose secondary function is to funnel the life force being collected by the zombies straight to her majesty who is channelling it to the vampire ship which is apparently installed with some form of space vampire GPS and is hovering above London harvesting the souls.
Carlsen finally realises he’s being played for a fool when the female vampire possesses an innocent manager of a psychiatric hospital and unable to resist her womanly charms even when they’re cloaked in the body of Patrick Stewart, succumbs to his urges and gives him a big ol’ smooch.
Will they get back to London in time to stop the vampires from turning everyone into zombie drones? Will Carlsen admit that the aura of Captain Picard was just as alluring, if not more so, than the psychic presence of a hot naked chick? Find out in Lifeforce.
We dare you to buy Lifeforce on blu-ray!
Author Gamer Girl is a podcast co-host on FrontTowardsGamer Radio. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: Prophecy. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!