Good Lord… Hey, internet? When you finally get around to making your “Top X Reasons Sony Has No Idea What It’s Doing with Spider-Man” listicles, can this please be #1?

Look… It’s very weird so say this out loud, but I can kinda accept that the Spider-Man movies may turn out to be disappointing. Especially the new one. While I can certainly rattle off several dozen reasons he’s been one of my favorite comic characters for three decades, I won’t pretend to understand how to translate that onscreen in a fashion palatable to the Despicable Me lovin’ masses. And certainly not considering all the groundwork Amazing Spidey 2 is trying to lay.

With no other DVD bonus material announced, this veiny blue head boner is currently your only incentive to spend $100 on a movie most of the world has yet to see

However, it’s a far easier for me to stand up take the hypothetical high horse with Spider-Man merchandise, which this hilariously face-palmy attempt at home video knickknackery has embarrassingly failed at. To start…

Oh, and before we begin, this is all coming from an asshole who owns several Spider-Mobiles

THIS IS NOT SPIDER-MAN
When in doubt, there’s one absurdly simple rule when it comes to Spider-man merch: Be Spider-Man. Most of my comic nerd friends have been almost unanimously underwhelmed by Marc Webb’s web slingin’ forays, but there’s one universal compliment I hear repeatedly and would just assume Sony would too: Spider-Man’s movie costume is pretty fucking rad. And it really, really is. Big time blues and reds, perfectly-sized arachnid eye commas, vibrantly authentic in all the right places. Did the previous Blu-ray’s Collector’s Set feature a gaudy plastic bust of Spider-Man? No, it did not, so it’s not even thematically enticing for rabid Marvel hoarders. So… this is the big ass head we start with?

THIS IS NOT ELECTRO
At least, to a legion of Spider-Man fans old enough to care about all the villains they’re funneling into the movies, the ones who have a proven track record for buying merchandise. To them, this is Electro.

Not to be confused with Sega’s gritty upcoming Ristar reboot

And yes, I’m aware that design doesn’t exactly translate to film, nor various factory assembly line molds very well, so I completely accept Jamie Foxx’s 2014 depiction of the famous villain. And hey, I actually quite like the Ultimate Marvel universe/Bendis’ depiction of Electro (and the joy I feel when recalling who finally takes him down – read that shit, kids!) but no one’s tripping over themselves to pick up merchandise outside the 616, are they? That’s not me trying to say Sony shouldn’t try their own thing, but if I’m thinking like a cynical money person, the whole reason these movies succeed on such soaring levels they do is because they take advantage of the enduring love from a 50 year-old fanbase the movies have nothing to do with.  

 
The Dark Knight Blu-ray Collector’s Set rather conservatively chose the Batpod to headline its pricey Blu-ray set

In time, who knows?! People may come to love Foxx’s Electro. But even when you look at the hubris shown by DC/WB  in setting up their own Avengers-esque tentpole, they still weren’t presumptuous enough to lead the merchandising charge with Heath Ledger’s Joker, let alone do so in the form of an enormous plastic noggin containing near-relics of physical media, even though it would eventually prove to be more than warranted. Yes, I’m sure many children, or rather their naive, yet well-meaning parents while complacently eat whatever you’re fry up. Probably more so if it looked like Spidey. Furthermore, how many Spider-man fans (which are in an infinitely greater number than people who will ever buy a ticket to see The Amazing Spider-Man 2, BTW) could you have suckered into buying this thing if it was actually Spidey’s head? Even if they hated the movie, or in my personally biased case, try to only buy movies digitally now? But this… this, doesn’t seem to be made for comic fans, Marvel fans, or even Spidey fans…

THIS IS FOR JAMIE FOXX FANS

Let your soul glow…

I mean, was this outlined in his fucking contract? “Not only will your name go above title, Mr. Foxx, but your glorious visage will literally enshroud the movie itself for centuries to come!” I haven’t seen a lot of his post-Oscar work, but I’ll go ahead and say I’m sort of a Jamie Foxx fan. (For real, Booty Call is fucking hysterical.) Obviously, Sony has a helluva a lot more focus-tested data on the matter than I do, but did his starring turns in Stealth, Law Abiding Citizen and The Soloist indicate this is what what diehard Foxx fans wanted on their mantle, right next to their Django bust and 1/6 scale Tubbs figure? And if it did, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION?! Is the Rhino tickling his nose with a feather? Was the source model taken from an awkwardly timed family photo? Or maybe…

Still rockin’ dat world

AH HA! So this was built to capitalize on people like me?! Forever-fans of In Living Color! That makes soooooo much sense now. For a second there I thought you’d set out to intentionally ignore an enormously enduring demographic of Spider-man fans, and primarily capitalize on illiterate Mass Effect geeks who might mistakenly purchase this assuming it was an extended universe Asari bust. Show’s what the fuck I know…

Previously the stupidest Spider-Man thing I’ve ever seen

Okay, I’m done. If you’re still up for a pre-order after all that, here’s your link. Here’s some far superior Spidey junk.

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