The wait is almost over, Hasbro fans!
I no longer bear any ill will for Michael Bay, nor his films, so forgive me if I abstain from the typical internet comparisons involving either rape and/or my childhood. Hell, I actually quite liked Pain & Gain. As for the Transformers movies, I thought the first one was horrible and the second one laughably bad when it wasn’t busy being catastrophically boring. So when it came to the third movie, I made an uncharacteristically mature decision and simply said “Meh, that’s not for me.” As it turns out, not everything has to be. WOW, I know: What a revelation! And given the amount of money Optimus keeps backing up to the bank, it’s clear the films have found an audience with someone, somewhere. So if I’m being honest, the Transformers have outgrown me every bit as much as I have them.
Look, I was certainly rather rabid Transformer fan from back in the day, and I’ll treasure that always. But to Bay’s credit, his Transformers movies are no less stupid than the original cartoon, nor the any other TV series that followed for that matter. They’re little more than a three act commercials for Cool Toys. They’re fucking cars and jets that turn into robots for shitsake – what’s not to like for a six-year-old to like?! And that alone is all the Transformers are, or ever need be for me. They’ll always hold a nostalgic spot in my heart. After all, I loved slap bracelets too back in the day, but I sure as shit don’t want to see their home planet.
I watched this new trailer for Transformers: Age of Extinction with all the interest of a mother being beckoned to watch her stupid kid jump off a diving board. “That’s nice, dear” I said without ever looking up from my Fantastic Four comic. I wasn’t even interested in catching a free cable showing of Dark of the Moo-HOLY SHIT, IS OPTIMUS RIDING A DINOSAUR?!?!?!?! EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW – INTEREST MILDLY PIQUED!
TRANSFORMABLE CRAP AVAILABLE ON AMAZON!!