Game deals, Last of Us and Waggle bowling get an HD remastering and a double-dose of GOD!
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Fuck, I’d really wanted to see this. This is the directorial debut of Christopher Nolan’s longtime cinematographer, and that spectacular pedigree was more than enough to get me to sit up straight for a first time helmer. Although sadly, critics savaged the fuck out of this here tech-tale, concerning uploading Johnny Depp’s psyche into a computer, and so my enthusiasm has significantly cooled. I want to watch it eventually, but by all accounts, it’s at best Lawnmower Man for our modern age, which probably won’t make it any less laughable five years from now.
The Last of Us: Remastered
Like Star Wars and DuckTales before it, The Last of Us (I seriously just typed THE LASER OF US which shouldn’t make me this happy) is getting a modern upscaling. I have my weird issues with Last of US (love the story/characters/setting, but not a huge fan of stealth, so the gameplay portions felt extra long to my impatient ass) but it’s absolutely inarguable that it’s the most impressive singleplayer experience for the PlayStation 3, which makes it more than worthy of a PS4 remastering. However, if I may be an armchair executive, the game is barely a year old. Why didn’t Sony just wait and release it as a PS4’s launch? “But the PS3 has a bigger install base!” you say? Yes it does, but doesn’t it seem incredibly shortsighted to release a Triple A game months ahead of your new console with nothing remotely close to the equivalent? Early adopters are nice, and the new consoles had a bevvy of them thanks to the much, MUCH longer generation that preceded it, but if Sony’d launched with a Last of Us caliber game, I think they could’ve kept hardware sales rollin through the doldrum that is the PS4’s first tough.
I have a policy when it comes CG animated films made by anybody other than Pixar, and that’s to ignore the shit out of them until they’re praised to the point of being inescapable. After all, it’s only fair to assume that Fox, Dreamworks, and/or Sony are just as capable as Disney of possibly producing an animated movie that isn’t completely forgettable, easily sequelized garbage, right? It’s happened twice, in fact! How to Train Your Dragon and Kung-Fu Panda. And that’s it. I’ve heard nothing of a similar nature about Rio, so the only way I’m catching this or the original is while trapped on a plane. A plane from two years ago?
Wii Sports Club
THE HOTTEST GAME OF 200… 6. Yup, this here’s an upgrade to the best-selling game of all-time, Wii Sports. If you don’t remember buying it, that’s because it came packed in with your Wii, which you’ve also probably forgotten all about. It seems Nintendo has hilariously misinterpreted that aforementioned data, and remastered the Tennis, Bowling, Boxing, Party Nonsense you grew tired of after a one week several years ago, added online modes, and they’re selling it again for Wii U. This appeared spankin’ new to me, but it looks as if I completely overlooked that these mini-game collections have been on sale separately in the Wii U eShop for over a year. That’s how efficient my “don’t-care” blindspot is for Wii Sports and games of its ilk now. If you got kids, easily amused friends/pets, and no other game machine in your life other than a Wii U, I suppose I wouldn’t fault you for picking this up. But be warned, the fucking thing requires Wii Motion Plus remotes, more than one if you’re doing local multiplayer, which I don’t even think I have anymore.
Heaven is For Real
There’s almost no anti-viewing I enjoy more than religious attempts at crowd-pleasing movies. If you’re studying film or screenwriting, I strongly encourage you to watch something like this, because the most basic of movie formulas will become abundantly clear to you. Except instead of a relatable emotional climax, these movies usually conclude with a mental epiphany or internal belief, which can be very hard to show on screen, especially to folks who haven’t been indoctrinated over the course of several years. I swear I’m not trying to slam Christianity, or any other religion for that matter, but these things are generally overpriced promotional tools for their mythological background of choice, yet are always filled with indecipherable jargon, confusing tones and other hilariously failed attempts at at preaching to anyone other than the converted. But I sure do love watching them. There like bad movies from another planet that just so happens to speak English.
Now here’s a failed religious movie I can really get behind. I have no idea what Darren Aronofsky did to the timelessly improbable tale of Noah and his Ark, but this big-budgeted flop had to come with fucking disclaimers for overly religious zealots who apparently know how to read, but can’t grasp the notion of metaphorical storytelling! I’m actually trying to get Grimm to screen this at one our favorite Shitlords (bad) Movie Nights, but that seems unlikely. I’m dying to hear from somebody who’s seen this. Guess what? Fucking NO ONE has.
Dark Souls II: Crown of the Sunken King [PC & PS3 downloads only]
I got my first taste of this exquisite franchise with Dark Souls II, and with Brelston as my guide, kinda fell in love with the game. Then I got a little stuck, and even worse, saw the game running on PC with texture enhancements. Not only did I already feel like starting over, the thought of doing that via by dark and prickly 360 breaks my heart. Figured I’d be able to pick up the PC version in a Steam sale, but to no avail. Hey! If anybody cares enough to gift me one, this is me on Steam. And just so you know, yes, I feel incredibly pathetic just for having to ask.
Under the Skin
The fuck, this isn’t Lucy?! Guys, you can’t confuse me by putting out something with solely Scarlett Johannson’s picture in the same week! So… what if humans could use more than 10% of their brain? Goddammit, you see what’s happening. Somebody fill me in down in the comments.
Orphan Black: S2
My sincere apologies to good TV. I haven’t dug into this acclaimed BBC series, but unlike other cases where I simply haven’t gotten around to seeing something, I actually watched the first episode of Orphan Black and loved it (It was at an ungodly hour and I was admittedly a little tipsy). But the lead actress was amazing, and the the premise, involving a young woman assuming the life of her mysteriously dead twin, was intriguing to say the fucking least. Thanks, me, for reminding me to check this out!
Twin Peaks: The Entire Mystery
I know, I know. I’m behind on watching Twin Peaks. I love David Lynch, everything I’ve seen is stellar… it’s just that every time I flip it on, it’s in the dead of night and the 5 minute introductory theme song lullabys me into the very serenity of sleep I’m trying so desperately to avoid. But I am AWARE of what a godsend this set is. Twin Peaks essentially had all this content, a movie and two seasons of a TV show, and they were all owned by different companies. Fortunately for us, capitalism has either seen them swallowed into one giant MEGA COMPANY ready to coopoerate after almost three decades of strife, or the value has lessened to a point where they both had to set aside their differences long enough to share whatever remaining revenue is left in the franchise. Hooray?
United We Slam: The Best of The Great American Bash
Because of Dave Rudden and his stupid podcast, I’m fucking riddled with affection for wrasslin’, particularly WCW, which I kinda wish had a littler more retrospective representation on the WWE Network. I have no idea what’s contained on this disc, but I know that the faces on the cover are immensely important to me, especially Sting in his Billy Idol period. Not only is it weirdly bittersweet given the current news of him, the last remaining WWE holdout heading to where he belongs, I saw him live and in-person in that very get up when I was a young lad.
CAPE CRISIS RECOMMENDS:
UPCOMING VIDEO GAME PRE-ORDER BONUSES
listed roughly in order of release date
-Pre-order for Madden Ultimate Team content, a $15 value
Ultra Street Fighter IV *LAST CHANCE*
-Pre-order and receive FREE the Challengers Pack which includes five additional costumes for Elena, Hugo, Posion, Decapre, and Rolento.
-Pre-order for early Beta Access
Theatrhythm Final Fantasy Curtain Call
-Pre-order for free upgrade to Limited Edition version which also includes a 5-track CD sampler of THEATRHYTHM remixes in exclusive alternative packaging
Diablo III: Ultimate Evil Edition
-Pre-order for these devilishly handsome shoulder plates provide bonuses to Vitality, Life per Second, and Cooldown Reduction, and are primed and ready for transmogrification
Dragon Age: Inquisition
-Deluxe Edition includes Flames of Inquisition Armor, Weapons Arsenal and Armored Mount
Far Cry 4
-Free Limited Edition upgrade includes Hurk’s Redemption, a series of three-action packed single-player missions. You’ll embark on an epic quest to find a rare artifact while using “The Impaler” harpoon gun
-Amazon-Exclusive pre-order bonus, the Elephant Double-Barrel Rifle
Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor
-Pre-order and receive access to The Dark Ranger
DriveClub – PS4
-Pre-order for Amazon exclusive instant access to the high-powered Mercedes supercar, access to the RUF RT12 R super car, and a driver level boost
-Pre-order for free Monster Expansion Pack
Batman: Arkham Knight
–Pre-order to play as Harley Quinn. Utilize her unique weapons, gadgets, and abilities. Plus, contains 4 Exclusive Challenge Maps