The best piece of Guardians of the Galaxy’s first crop of merchandise is also the worst!
Sorry, guys. I’m sure this is hardly the time to heap any shit on Guardians of the Galaxy (read our review here), which, judging by reviews and the deafening feedback I’ve heard, is basically the second coming of Star Wars. However, I couldn’t help but share the jarring sense of abject FUCKING TERROR I experienced upon discovering this. Okay, sure. Rocket Raccoon is obviously poised to become a breakout star with kids. He’s funny, kinda cute and a goddamned raccoon. He’s also constantly killing things with guns, which puts it right smackdab in that nougaty, immensely-marketable center between family-friendly character and a homicidal maniac Moms and Dads can’t fully condone. Like GI Joe, Rambo, and Freddy Krueger, Rocket Raccoon will in all likelihood be the next big thing parents dump millions into while giving out a slightly concerned Marge Simpson groan.
If you’re the parent of a young boy who doesn’t immediately gravitate towards Rocket, get his fucking paper’s checked. He’s either an alien, a demon, or one of those people destined to grow up humorless, without whimsy, and destined to somehow make things worse for the rest of humanity. So with all that said, why wouldn’t a kid want to dress up like Rocket Racoon? Hell, I kinda do right now! The above picture looks totally acceptable until…
GAAAAAAAAAAAH JESUS ASSFUCKING CHRIST, KILL IT WITH LAVA!!!!!!!!
Holy shit, that thing is genuinely terrifying, and I’m talking like clown scary. Them teeth! Those lifeless eyes! Maybe it’s the incongruous mix of proportions, but now Rocket looks like a sadistic werewolf we also know cannoncially is also carrying a firearm. I made fun of those new TMNT masks a while back, but now I yearn for the awkward grimmace of Leonardo over this menacing, wide-eyed gargoyle. I’m terrible at Photoshop, but I wanted to truly convey my sense of panicked horror by concocting a couple of likely scenarios showing how this Rocket Racoon mask will undoubtedly coax the piss and shit out of young children for years to come!
Hey, at least I tried to make something silly. Sadly, it turns the only thing I’m worse at than Photoshop is creating memes. But either way, if you’re so inclined, here’s a Rocket Raccoon mask for you to do with what you will with.
Be sure to check out our Guardians of the Galaxy review RIGHT HERE. Oh, and in case you have someone in your home you’d like to push ever closer to a Marvel-related heart attack, you can find the actual Rocket Racoon mask here, as well as the Marvel’s all-new Guardians of the Galaxy merch is up to 25% off on Amazon this weekend.