Article by contributor Moan4Stallone.
I am here to finally set the record straight on a debate that has been raging since the dawn of time. I am only now brave enough to break my silence. For too many years, Clint Eastwood’s movies have garnered praise from his peers, while Stallone has won only Razzies and empty theater seats on opening day.
You may be asking yourself, “Who do you think you are?” The name given to me by my father was David Batarseh, but once I watched a god on the silver screen promise to the woman he loved that he would go the distance, I was baptized by the awesomeness of Sylvester Stallone. It was on this day that I would lay down my mortal name and forever be known as Moan4stallone!
I now present to you seven reasons why I believe Sylvester Stallone is better than Clint Eastwood. I am a certified Stallonagist with a minor in over-the-top and a major in Get Carter. Trust me.
#7 Stallone is the Terminator in an alternate future, as showed to us by Last Action Hero. I’ve watched that movie over a hundred times, and no mention of Clint Eastwood’s existence can be seen. So this unequivocally confirms that Clint does not exists in a world where Sly is a T-800.
#6 Stallone once teamed up and climbed a mountain with The Walking Dead’s resident hillbilly Darrel Dixon. Now you may point out that Clint Eastwood once teamed up with a monkey–which I must admit is awesome, but not as awesome as going up against John Lithgow with a Dixon brother.
#5 Stallone gave us iconic characters as Rocky, Rambo, and Oscar. Eastwood gave us a man with no name. Since he has no name, he cannot be included in this list. But wait, you say he gave us Dirty Harry? Yes, he did, and then he gave us like eight more Dirty Harry’s, each worse than the previous one. Stallone knew that Oscar was such an epic and complete character study of tormented mobster Angelo “Snaps” Provolone’s struggle to go legit that it did not require a sequel.
#4 Stallone got fat for Copland, while Eastwood only got racist for Gran Torino. Copland stars Robert Deniro, Harvey Keitel, Ray Liotta, Peter Berg, Michael Rappaport, and T-100. Gran Torino has Drew Cary’s brother. Bad example since Drew Cary’s brother is awesome. Wait, Copland has Janeane Garofalo… so suck it Eastwood, you never had a Garofalo in your movies.
#3 Stallone tricks terrorist Rutger “Hobo with a Shotgun” Hauer into thinking he is a woman, right before blowing him away, all while wearing a night gown and still looking like a badass. Also, his partner is Lando freakin’ Calrissian, and he is so scared of Stallone that he never double crosses him. He wasn’t afraid to double cross Indiana Jones. Now Clint has killed in many different ways, but never in drag, and never with a member of a space smuggling ring. Edge to Stallone for killing while cross dressing.
#2 Is Eastwood’s mother a member of the Golden Girls? Didn’t think so. Sly’s mom is no other than golden girl Sophia “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” Petrilloand. Excuse me one second while I sing the last line of the theme song… “and the card attached would say, thank you for being a friend.” Now sing Eastwood’s theme song to Gran Torino without wanting to hit the tap-out button.
#1 Last but not least, Stallone shared the screen not once but twice with day-walker Blade, cross-dressing Noxeema Jackson, passenger number 57, Wesley “recently paroled” Snipes! Has Eastwood ever shared the screen with a co-star with that kind of movie cred? In all fairness, he did have unofficial Lonely Island member Justin “Dick in a Box” Timberlake as a co-star in some boring baseball movie. But Timberlake did ruin that awesome high concept sci-fi film In Time, so Stallone wins this one as well.
If you have read this and are still not convinced that Stallone beats Eastwood, I offer one last reason. Eastwood directed Jersey Boys.
Boom. Mic drop. Walk off stage.
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