Have you ever sensed some uncomfortable tension between two characters who claim to hate each other? Have you ever felt like a third wheel while flipping through a comic of two dudes in spandex punching each other? No, your mind is not in the gutter; those rivals definitely wanna make sweet, sweet love.
Nobody likes to take a beating, so what causes two people–who inevitably beat each other up–to constantly cross paths? Perhaps there is more going on behind the scenes. What follows are some of the steamiest secret romances between two supposed arch enemies.
Batman and The Joker
Let’s address the big, sexy elephant in the room. Seeing as this affair has lasted over three quarters of a century, everyone in the DC Universe has to be in on this. Without Batman there would be no Joker, and vice versa. They’re a pain in the ass to each other, but it’s simply how they get their sweet kicks, which is why they keep coming back for more. Sure, Joker could probably just shoot Batman, or Batman could break every bone in Joker’s body, but seeing as they’re two sides of the same coin, all they want is to bend the will of the other. Batman doesn’t need to know Joker’s identity, and Joker doesn’t need to know about Bruce. Simply put, they’re both crazy…for each other.
It’s an obsession that overpowers their love for any woman, something that connects them on a much more personal level. Oh, to be a fly on the wall of the GCPD’s interrogation room. In Scott Snyder’s recent “Death of the Family” storyline, Bruce hopes to see some form of humanity in Joker’s cold eyes, and instead sees what can only be love when the clown prince battles him. Alas, being arch enemies, they’ll never be able to pick that forbidden fruit. Looks like the batcave will be open to just Alfred and Robin for the foreseeable future.
Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage
Any fan of the WWF and WCW in the late 80’s can tell you just how serious the rivalry between champion Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage was. You were either a Hulkamaniac or had caught a bad case of Macho Madness. But in 1987, when Hogan saved the Macho King from the falling guitar of the Honky Tonk Man on that fateful October night, something between the two sparked. Fast forward to 1988–Wrestlemania IV–and this young affair blossomed into the tag-team duo known as The Mega Powers.
While at first it seemed like a match made in heaven, the beautiful Miss Elizabeth (manager of The Mega Powers) divided the team into a vicious love triangle. Instead of expressing his jealousy over Miss Elizabeth catching the Hulkster’s eye, the Macho Man took a belt to Hogan’s face, ending their union within a year of its formation. Several breakups and makeups passed, but by 1996, The Mega Powers’ passion would remain forever extinguished. Heading their separate ways, one superstar would go on to become the Macho King, and the other would go on to star in Leon’s Furniture commercials. Were it only possible that Hulk could’ve become the Macho Queen instead of Sherri…sigh.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone, as many may not totally recall, first appeared onscreen via the gateway medium of 70s softcore porn. The “Italian Stallion” (a New York native) went on to write and star in his own movie about a man who jogged up stairs. But while Sly was getting over the rocky start to his own career, another New York Hercules appeared. It was no secret that the Austrian Oak was direct competition to Stallone, and their frequent jabs and references to each others’ films started to create some red heat between the two. Was it out of a mutual respect? Hatred? Or something more?
Throughout the 80s, the two muscle-bound action stars seemed driven to sabotage each others’ career. You don’t have to be some kind of specialist to recognize the love between the two. Seeing as it took three decades for these nemeses to appear in a film together in 2010’s The Expendables, fans have been left with something of a cliffhanger as to the nature of their relationship. Will the Italian Stallion return to his roots with a new costar? Maybe it seems “over the top” to expect them to appear “commando” onscreen together, but with Arnie’s recent return to Hollywood after a brief span of ruling California, that dream seems to be “staying alive.” Arnie and Sly may not admit it to the cameras, but they’re likely to remain steamy rivals til the “end of days. Kindergarten Cop.
He-man and Skeletor
Here’s a tragic example of unrequited love if I ever saw it. If you’re a fan of the 1983 Hanna-Barbera series He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, you’ll likely know the silly liberties the writers took over the course of the series’ 130 episodes. Skeletor, the once menacing blue-buff skeleton, devolved into a bumbling, kiddie-friendly loser. He seemed more intent on learning what Christmas was about than he was on capturing Castle Greyskull. Actor Frank Langella also recognized this and sought to portray a darker, scarier Skeletor in 1987’s Masters of the Universe. In preparation, Langella watched the entire cartoon, and asked his kids what they’d want to see from Skeletor. The results were all-too sensual.
Yes, that is Dolph Lundgren being whipped in what may be the most homoerotic torture scene since Casino Royale (or before, technically). Throughout the film, Skeletor’s only demands involved bringing the now-Earthbound He-Man back to Eternia alive; the rest of the cast is open season. After declining Skeletor’s offer to rule alongside him, He-Man is whipped for the movie’s climax, during which Skeletor also climaxes. The pained yet very turned-on look in his skeletal eyes all but confirms his desire for the Hero of Eternia. Myah!
Article by contributor Cody Wardell.
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