Apes, race, Larry the Cable Guy and a ton of noteworthy Nintendo stuff make up this week’s batch of fantastic newness!
Happy Holidays, Laser Timers! You know what we do here? Here’s the poop: We highlight the most noteworthy new releases of the week, comic recommendations, and video game preorder bonuses, and you use our links below, or any time on the right-hand sidebar to do you Amazon shopping. Or simply BOOKMARK THIS LINK and use it whenever you do your Amazon shopping! You get what you want from the world’s leading online retailer, usually for the lowest price on the web, and we get a tiny commission that helps keep the Laser Time lights on. Costs you nothing, helps support us, got it? Good. And happy browsing!
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
PLANET OF THE APES, REMEMBER WHO TOLDJA! I love being right about the PotA series’ awesomeness, but yeah, this sequel/seventh film/alt-universe interquel(?!) probably deserves a bit of the credit. Again, I love the original Planet of the Apes series, but it’s undoubtedly dated and best ingested while wearing a hat made of camp. Still, I’m fucking blown away by the sincerity and excellence of the new films, both of which carry the spirit and heavy-handed tone of the 60s/70s classics. I wish I could remember more, but I made the incredibly stupid decision to go opening night while experimenting with “California Medicine” and I don’t remember shit. Good thing I bought this already!
I’m sure I won’t have time to into this, and that’s partially Ubisoft’s fault for releasing a massive game every six seconds during the this two week Holiday period. However, when I get back from Florida in 2015, I’ll undoubtedly be much more ready to dive into a massive bout of hardcore racism! That’s the correct term, right? Whatever, I recall Grimm saying some semi-kind things about the beta, has anybody given The Crew a whirl yet?
Kingdom Hearts 2.5
We need a new subcategory for this game! Do you know how excited I am for this game? Very. Do you know when I’ll actually pop it in and give it a spin. Fucking Never. There’s no way I’ll ever have 60 spare hours to plunk into a ridiculously clunky, dated JRPG, no matter how fan servicey. But I’ll buy it for the illusion that I might, in addition to the nostalgic warm n’ fuzzies that wash over me when I think about playing Kingdom Hearts. Holding out for KH3, baybay!
Star Trek: The Next Generation – Season 7
I’m not sure if you’ve seen the amazing High-Def restoration TNG has recieved, but I’m honestly sick of talking about it. I haven’t seen this season, but what Paramount has done to the nearly thirty years old syndicated classic is nothing short fucking awe inspiring. The show, sturdily as it holds up, is a standard-definition bitch. Some of that shit looks like it was shot on a camcorder. Now it’s been enhanced, remastered, and digitally touched up in a way that fits modern televisions and fans find pleasing. And I’m not the biggest TNG fan on Laser Time, that’d be Mr. Elston, but I’m rooting for this so hard because there’s hundreds of other shows that could benefit from the treatment, if only so they can be presented to future generations to enjoy without being taken out of the experience by an antiquated resolution. I’ll shut up now.
Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker
Did you like the Captain Toad interstitials in between Super Mario 3D World? Of course you did! What the fuck’s not to like?! But this didn’t work for me as a full game, nor do I think it’s worth the $40 price tag. It’s cute, charming, but fleeting and somewhat shallow. I breezed through most of the game in a single sitting, with only the most brutally difficult later levels and revisiting completed stages levels for hidden items comprising an unpleasant majority of my gameplay experience. However, one of the best things about Captain Toad is something I’d like to see Nintendo do more of. The game recognized that I had save data from other Wii U games and unlocked exclusive levels based on that game (I’ve probably spoiled this on Vidjagame Apocalypse.) Hey Nintendo, I buy your three Wii U games a year almost without question – REWARD ME!
NES Remix Pack
There are two kind of people who’ll love this game. Fans of the 8-bit NES era and people who like HARDCORE FUCKING SHIT! Seriously, these “classic” games are adorably presented, but some of the bite-sized challenges make some of theses already difficult games damn near insurmountable. I fucking loved both of the downloadable Wii versions more than 90% of the stuff that came out this year, so if you wanted to check those out and have an uncontrollable fear of non-physical media, this low-priced package is for you. I won’t, cause I bought ’em already, however, there’s now a 3DS version available, Ultimate NES Remix, that I’ll have to fight with myself everyday not to buy. Be warned: This product does not contain the full NES games. Not that it needs too, you either already own them and/or there are plenty of other FREE ways to obtain them. Remix does something you can’t get for free, something better and more rewarding than a straight port, and damned if doesn’t seem super will-suited for portable play to me.
Legend of Korra: Book Three
I loved Avatar: The Last Airbender, but I’ve yet to finish the series, which is exponentially more humiliating when I see the groundswell of support for the sequel series, Legend of Korra, during a time when the show desperately needed eyes watching it. Sorry, Korra! Laser Time just published a write up of the first season, and you can also watch the entire first and second season FREE with an Amazon Prime subscription. Is this shit canceled or what?
The Expendables 3
Poor Stallone. And fuck you guys! You stole Stallone’s movie, so Stallone’s movie do bad! In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, this movie leaked onto the web a few weeks before release, and the studio is blaming the bad word of mouth/advanced FREE exposure for the film’s pitiful performance at the box office. There was even some talk of talk of Lionsgate taking legal action against everyone who downloaded the movie illegally. Good luck getting a settlement out of a bunch of people who couldn’t be bothered to shell out $10 for a movie! Whatever. I legitimately felt bad for both the film and Stallone, which resulted in Laser Time embarking on a week of Stallone video game streams, undoubtedly our worst performing multi-day event ever. Unlike Lionsgate, I don’t blame anyone else for its failure (except perhaps Stallone?!) but if nothing else, you should at least check out the 3DO Demolition Man stream. That shit is bananas.
Jingle All the Way 2
In WWE Studios continued pursuit of excellence, Vince McMahon has come to the rescue of one of history’s most untapped franchises, Much like Neflix’s resurrection of Arrested Development, the House of Cena has taken a good long look at this abandoned Schwarzenegger series and said “Needs more Larry the Cable Guy.” I’m sure most of your reactions to this is not unlike watching a cow give birth to a full grown human, but this is bizarrely the movie I’m most curious to watch. The original Jingle all the Way is an incredibly watchable trainwreck, and I can’t imagine anyone wanting to make this sequel unless that was the milestone they wished to surpass. If I end up watching this, please don’t judge me.
CAPE CRISIS RECOMMENDS:
UPCOMING VIDEO GAME PRE-ORDER BONUSES
listed roughly in order of release date
Persona Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth
-Pre-order and receive free Part 2 of the Persona Tarot Cards Collection
DriveClub – PS4
-Pre-order for Amazon exclusive instant access to the high-powered Mercedes supercar, access to the RUF RT12 R super car, and a driver level boost
Saints Row IV: Re-Elected + Gat out of Hell
-Pre-order now to receive the “Plague of Frogs Pack” and the “Devil’s Workshop Pack”.
-Pre-order Bloodborne and receive an exclusive Messenger skin. Messengers are nightmare creatures that follow your Hunter around to help and to facilitate asynchronous online gameplay features within the game.
-Pre-order to receive an exclusive version of these Messengers
The Order: 1886 *NEW*
-Pre-order and receive free Knight’s Arsenal DLC, Arsonist’s Pack and Red Lightning Pack featuring advanced upgrades and weapons
-Pre-order for free Monster Expansion Pack
-Pre-order and get Final Fantasy XV demo FREE
The Witcher III: Wild Hunt *NEW*
-Pre-order and receive Amazon-exclusive 48-page hardcover comic FREE
Dying Light *NEW*
-Pre-order and receive Be the Zombie DLC FREE, and play as the Night Hunters
Battlefield: Hardline *NEW*
-Pre-order and receive Versatility Battlepack FREE
–Deluxe Edition includes Versatility Battlepack, Suppression Battlepack and Precision Battlepack FREE
Batman: Arkham Knight
–Pre-order to play as Harley Quinn. Utilize her unique weapons, gadgets, and abilities. Plus, contains 4 Exclusive Challenge Maps