When I read Moan4Stallone’s article detailing the greatness of Stallone over Eastwood, I had to agree. Stallone is better, but he is not the best. No, that honor must go to Sir Michael Caine.
I could (and will later) go on and on about Sir Michael Caine’s wonderful accomplishments, but we must not forget the accomplishment of his seed. This man has begat to us Austin Powers and Doctor Evil, and though those films have aged considerably, they were an unstoppable comedic force until they were quoted to death. Think of them like The Hangover series’ progenitor. So Caine is responsible for many a laugh in the late 90s, a much happier time than now.
He then went on to sire Batman (whose greatness is recorded elsewhere by other great biographers on Laser Time), and sure, you could argue that his father is Thomas Wayne, but no father of the goddamn Batman would truly let a measly mugger kill him. No, the true father of Batman is Caine. Also, he is the only person besides Batman to not be killed by Liam Neeson.
Finally, he is Leonardo DiCapro’s dad, as revealed in Inception, and revealed to be the father of magical cloned Wolverine Hugh Jackman in The Prestige. I guess that also makes him responsible for part of the Weapon X program? Hell, that means he’s also responsible for X-23.
But, onto Caine’s personal accomplishments. He also single-handedly defeated the German invasion of Britain and then went on to lead the charge in Operation Market Garden. But that was not enough for him, he went on to make stealing gold cool, which had the side effect of making Mini Coopers cool (something his son Austin would do again).
Then he did what Alexander the Great, India, Persia, Russia, and the United States failed to do: he conquered Afghanistan with Sean Connery tagging along as his sidekick. Also, while defending a heavily outnumbered outpost (30,000 to a couple of hundred) against the Zulu army, he invented the meaning of being British and holding an Empire, inspiring generations of British citizens to have pride in their Empire no matter its status.
He then went on to become the baddest of badasses.
It started with Get Carter, the movie that invented the “guy kills everyone in vengeance genre.” While the Great Steve McQueen must be credited in sort of starting the genre with Bullitt, he didn’t actually kill that many people, and really it all boils down to one car chase. Caine perfected a movie style that everyone from Liam Neeson to Bruce Willis has been trying to perfect again.
Indeed, two have gone so far as to ape perfection exactly. One was Marky Mark in the other Italian Job. The other? Sly Stallone, in another Get Carter; Caine even honored him with his presence and assistance. But the movie failed, as they have all failed.
How do we know they have all failed? Because Michael Caine had to return from winning two Oscars and being nominated for many more to teach everyone a master class: how to be the guy killing everyone in vengeance” in Harry Brown.
Finally, he did what is the pinnacle for all Laser Time readers: he starred alongside the Muppets in A Christmas Carol. Anyone can cameo with the Muppets, but very few can star with them.
I present to you the best of the best: Sir Michael Caine.
Article by contributor RaccoonHail.
Have an article to pitch? Send it firstname.lastname@example.org!