Hello and welcome to the Laser Time News Network! By some strange phenomenon, we’ve been taken to the year 2145. We understand that this is a little unorthodox, but after a long deliberation, we have all agreed on one thing: we’ve decided that the best course of action is to break galactic time travel laws and report the news to you. It’s news — from the future!
The bird people of Alpha Centauri have made a long awaited confession: “Humans, we’re super duper sorry. We’ve been enjoying our prankster lifestyle for far too long, and we as a people, and members of the galactic community, apologize for the millennia of constant jokes at your expense.”
The Alpha Centaurians are of course referencing the continued human obsession with angels. The Alpha Centauri ambassador to the Galactic Council has agreed that reparations are in order for all citizens of the solar system. He had this to say: “No group of people so thoroughly ridiculed for so long should have to face the bias of a modern job market. After all, the humans are in fact galactic simpletons.”
We spoke to people of several species, all of which agreed with the “simpleton” conclusion. So as a caution to you “past” readers, we have this to say: you just can’t trust a fucking bird.
Article by contributor Paul Damm.
Have your own “news from the future” to pitch? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org!