Bloodborne, Borderlands and the Battle of the Five Armies featuring Bilbo Baggins! Shop, save, support your pals at Laser Time…
BOO-YAH: Shaking things up this week, but you’ll have to read carefully to find out how. Anyhoo, this is where we showcase the latest in new movies, games and TV, as well as highlight upcoming video game pre-order deals and comic book recommendations courtesy of Cape Crisis. Then, hopefully, you use our Amazon links below (or any time on the right-hand sidebar) and we get a small commission to help keep the Laser lights on. You don’t even have to buy the specific items we’re highlighting, simply enter Amazon via our links and search/shop like normal. As long as you purchase in that visit, it totes helps us out! Thanks again, and happy shopping!
PICKS OF THE WEEK
The Dirt Bike Kid
I am about to do you a disservice! Not only is this not a new release, it’s probably pretty fucking terrible. However, if you’re like me and watched the shit out of this movie back in the early eighties to the point of having it memorized, you deserve to know this was released last November. THREE REASONS! For one, my partially-formed baby brain actually assumed this was Ralphie’s sequel to A Christmas Story, which I was on board with well before the TBS marathons (thanks to it being one of two VHS tapes donated to my elementary school.) Second, this dumb little tale of a sentient motorcycle over-throwing a evil bank by winning a baseball game, or something, has NEVER EVEN BEEN ON DVD before, so I certainly wasn’t expecting a goddamned Blu-ray. And lastly, for hardcore Laser Time fans/pop culture buffs, I’ve been prepping an upcoming show topic tentatively titled “Movies that have never been on DVD” and since I gotta scratch The Dirt Bike Kid of the list, I could probably use your help finding come replacements. Lemme know in the comments below and get a shoutout on an upcoming Laser Time!
I’ve only just started digging into Bloodborne and my love for it is only outweighed by how much I fucking suck at it. By the time you read this, I will have tried to stream it and will in all likelihood humiliated myself in front of almost a dozen people. I truly dug the shit out of Dark Souls II, but abandoned it in hopes of picking up a better looking version in a Steam sale. That never happened, so sadly, those few hours learning the game’s somewhat complicated mechanics are my only experience with From Software’s beloved take on interactive masochism. Notice how I put that on the players instead of referring to the game as sadistic? I’ve been singing the praises of Monster Hunter for a while, which similarly to Souls, only seems “hard” if you’ve been weened on games with regenerating health and grindable XP to fortify your lack of ability. Bloodborne is doing something most Western game left behind long ago, and that’s forcing you to become a better player. You need to learn from your licks, and the faster you do that, the further you’ll get, and the more exponentially rewarding the game becomes. You need the patience to approach things carefully and accept defeat gracefully, almost as if you’re on a mission of information gathering, which TBH, is a hard adjustment for me. But after about two hours of getting brutalized on a quarter-mile stretch of the game, everything clicked in a way almost no other game can offer, and it was like being able to see through the fucking Matrix. I’ve still got a lot to learn, but I shall continue to go at the singleplayer with a youthful exuberance, an open-mindedness, and that’s something no one’s said about a fucking shooter in years.
THE REST, BUT STILL COOL
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
I know, with a run-time this long you probably feel like you just walked out of the theater! *rimshot* *crickets* But the third and final Hobbit film has finally come home! And no, I have not seen it! My patience for these movies has worn pretty goddamn thin, and that’s coming from someone who thinks The Hobbit is Tolkien’s best book. I could only bring myself to watch the previous film on a plane, and it delivered on a lot on my expectations: I loved a lot of it, I was bored by a lot of it. WAY TOO LONG. And I continue to approach these movies with trepidation because I sincerely worry that Jackson’s unnecessary story elements and clock padding will diminish my enjoyment of the original Lord of the Rings triumvirate. I love those movies dearly. They very well may be my generation’s Star Wars trilogy, but not only do I slightly dislike the adaptation that is The Hobbit trilogy, it absolutely makes diminishes my desire to return to Middle Earth. Oh well, at least they didn’t split it up into two films. Although… if this film is anything like Harry Potter 7.2, and I think it might be, I might enjoy it more than I’m expecting. That movie was a +2 hour ending that didn’t waste anywhere near as much time as the first (half-movie?). Oh, and The Complete Hobbit Trilogy releases today as well.
Borderlands: The Handsome Collection
People have been giving me a bit of shit lately for my appearances on Vidjagame Apocalypse lately, some of them even accusing me of not liking video games anymore. Hopefully my lavish praise of Bloodborne proves otherwise, but new releases are getting harder to get excited about. Especially when you’ve spent over $1K jumping headlong into the next console generation and your biggest new releases week after week are Higher-High-Def remasters of games you already own. So here comes Borderlands’ Handsome Collection, which is fine, but can you see why I’m a little let down by the ceaseless wave of last-gen ports? Featuring, according to its own box, “over $100 in value,” is now yours for $60. I mean, who is this for? Yes, you get Borderlands 2, The Pre-Sequel and all of its add-on DLC, but who the hell is this for other than hardcore Borderlands fans, the people most likely to already own the content? That “$100 value” is only really applicable to people who already spent that amount buying on Day One for their last-gen systems. Steam tells a different tale, where you can pick up Borderlands 2 GOTY Edition for $7.99, which is probably a better platform for future-proofing games you truly love instead of buying full-priced discs. YES: This is a better-than-average deal for players who don’t already own the content, but not so much for existing fans. However, I will give Gearbox a ton of credit for transferring PS360 saves to PS4One systems. Still, this kinda thing is difficult to get excited about almost two years into the next generation.
Into the Woods
Do Laser Time fans care about this? I try and spread my pop culture net far and wide, so I was pretty surprised to learn that this Disney adaptation was based on a longstanding musical I’d never heard of. Obviously, I’m hardly the biggest fan of The Theatre, but my awareness of Into the Woods only began once fans of the original play started kicking up shit over the movie’s high-profile/controversial casting and story-based omissions. Apparently, the stage version was famous far and wide for sending up/being an outright condemnation of the Disney formula, only to become the victim of it years later. Hope there’s a song about irony! Whatevs, the few friends I have who cared to see it didn’t come away with nice things to say. Can you blame me for having no interest?! Let’s move on…
Mario Party 10
Ain’t no party like a Mario Party because the Mario Party don’t stop… releasing. Ten games, Nintendo?! Go ahead. Count up the number of TRUE Super Mario game released on consoles. Now keep in mind that the Mario Party started a decade after we tossed our first fireball… aaaaaaaand now be prepared to get depressed knowing that the Mario Party series has the exact same number of entries as proper SMB games. (Less, if you count NewSMB, which I don’t. And MP even outnumbers it if you’d like to discount Yoshi’s Island!) I’m not terribly certain who this game is still for? Considering Nintendo let third-party published mini-game collections beat them at their own game for almost three years, so I’m going to have to guess… Amiibo collectors? Sorry for the cynicism, I’d preferred Nintendo released Mario Party as a launch title, in lieu of, uh… nothing? Even a collection of novel/half-baked ideas could’ve done wonders towards getting their own development teams familiar with the Wii U’s exclusive touchpad features, tilt-shit, etc., to say nothing of building players desire for them, and/or possibly spurring the imaginations of external developers. But no, let’s go with a delayed Pikmin sequel that plays best with the previous console’s Wii wand. File this under #SighNintendo I s’pose…
Fast and the Furious: Limited Collection
As I briefly touched upon this weekend with the surprise trailer reveal for Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, I love how the greatness of Fast 5 and 6 completely overshadows my absolute indifference with the first four movies. “What film franchises are allowed four movies to prove their greatness?!” Percy Jackson, Jack Reacher, Eragon and other failed cinematic institutions demand to know. I wish I had an answer for them. I wish I knew how the humdrum story of inner-city street racers and mid-budget rice burner porn was allowed to evolve into a wonderfully absurd approach to automotive espionage! How did we get from racing Honda Civics on Sunset Boulevard to dragging an exploding bank vault around the streets of Rio De Janeiro? Who cares?! The Fast series is now one of the greatest popcorn franchises going, and though may he rest in peace, I don’t want Paul Walker’s death to mean the same for the series. This Blu-ray set? I dunno, Universal releases like two “Complete Fast & Furious Collections” a year at this point, but since the series shows little signs of stopping, real completeists see through this carefully timed ruse. Either way, if you don’t already own the series, or just love tire-themed collections, you could do a lot worse than paying just over $6 a movie, two of which are the greatest examples of mainstream high fucking art, IMO.
CAPE CRISIS RECOMMENDS:
UPCOMING VIDEO GAME PRE-ORDER BONUSES
listed roughly in order of release date
MLB 15: The Show *LAST CHANCE*
-Preorder for FREE Dualshock 4 MLB Team or Player Skin
Final Fantasy X|X-2 HD Remaster Limited Edition
-Pre-order Final Fantasy X-X2 HD now to receive the Limited Edition. Includes a 2015-2016 calendar featuring X/X-2 Yoshitaka Amano artwork.
Borderlands: The Handsome Collection
-Pre-order Borderlands: The Handsome Collection for PlayStation 4 or Xbox One and get a free digital download of Borderlands Game of the Year Edition for PC.
The Witcher III: Wild Hunt
-Pre-order and receive Amazon-exclusive 48-page hardcover comic FREE
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain *NEW*
-Pre-order the Day 1 Edition to get a physical map + DLC content which includes: • Adam-ska Special Handgun • Personal Ballistic Shield (Silver) • Wetland Cardboard box • Fatigues outfit (Blue Urban Snake Costume) • Metal Gear Online XP boost
-Pre-order and recieve FREE Modified Car Pack
-Pre-order and receive Versatility Battlepack FREE
–Deluxe Edition includes Versatility Battlepack, Suppression Battlepack and Precision Battlepack FREE
Mortal Kombat X
-Pre-order and play as the eight-armed Shokan warrior, GORO.
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor 2 Record Breaker
-Pre-order and receive free bonus soundtrack
Batman: Arkham Knight
–Pre-order to play as Harley Quinn. Utilize her unique weapons, gadgets, and abilities. Plus, contains 4 Exclusive Challenge Maps