Expendables 4 might be happening… and with Hulk Hogan as a villain. I wonder who’s left to be put in this franchise? That’s not a knock against Hogan — he and Sly go way back, and the amount of “the ultimate male vs the ultimate meatball” jokes that Hogan’s inclusion guarantees is worth signing him on for. But, since Hogan does not have the acting range to pull off a movie-level villain, who is left for the role?
After doing some research, I present to you, Laser Timers, my dream villain casting for the next Expendables film. And, no, Bill Cosby did not make the cut!
If you have good taste in fine cinema, then you know this man’s work — his filmography is action movie royalty. Did you see Lethal Weapon? He was there applying electroshock therapy to one Martin Riggs. Die Hard? The terrorist with a sweet tooth. But his best (and my personal favorite) role was his turn as Genghis Khan in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. He also has appearances in Action Jackson, Big Trouble in Little China, Death Warrant, The Replacement Killers, and too many others to list.
Yes, I know his primary work has been in horror, but name one Jason film that was actually scary. No, the reboot doesn’t count — that was scary for behind-the-scenes reasons. Friday the 13th films were always more action than horror, so Kane as a henchmen or even a primary villain wouldn’t be that far of a stretch. He is still in amazing shape, stands like nine feet tall, and has some of the craziest eyes since Eddie Griffin in The New Guy.
This is probably the most niche guy on this list, so let me jog your memory. Remember that creepy looking serial killer dude from Cobra? No? What about the guy who put Joe Dirt in a hole? Still nothing? How about the punk who gets a Terminator-style dragon punch through his chest and helps clothe Arnold in the original Terminator? That guy. Like Al Leong, his filmography is a laundry list of some of my favorite films and TV shows like Three Amigos, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lion Heart, and Walker Texas Ranger. He also portrayed Shao Kahn in
Mortal Kombat Annihilation let’s scratch that one off the list.
He is kind of a played-out commodity these days, but I still love the guy, and he certainly deserves to be in this franchise more than Kellen Lutz or Liam Hemsworth. Those two were the worst casting in the franchise, but adding Machete would forgive everything in my mind. The guy has done more straight-to-video action films than even Steven Seagal, so I think he’s earned a seat at the Expendables table. Con Air, yo!
“Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?” Box office records, that’s what! He has been called “Franchise Viagra,” and for good reason, the guy is like Captain Save-a-hoe for played-out movie franchises. While he was still honing his craft in the Doom, he wasn’t the worst thing about that film, and I thought he wasn’t half bad as the villain. His line delivery has come a long way since, and he would rock bottom as a henchmen to, say, Ray Liotta. Good god, there’s a bonus pick for ya: Liotta was in the film No Escape, another guilty pleasure of mine.
Thank you for reading this and further indulging my unhealthy obsession with Sly.