The Beatles once sang, “You may see the meaning of within. It is being, it is being.” In True Detective, Colin Farrell notes, “My strong suspicion is we get the world we deserve.”
In life, the one thing we search for is meaning, a purpose, what links us all together. I have found that unknown territory. I have looked into the abyss. And the abyss looked back at me, in the form of Ghost Hunters Season 5 Episode 15, “Bat out of Hell.”
Yep, that’s a ham-fisted nod to Meat Loaf, everyone’s favorite out-of-shape Crispin Glover impersonator. He guest stars in this episode, and let me tell you, he is the only star.
To be fair, he didn’t have to do much to stand out.
To me, Ghost Hunters is a soap opera around which a web of strange performances are built. Every week a paranormal claim results in overdone drama and an occasional “oh my God, something touched me,” but never any concrete proof of something otherworldly. Until now. They found Meat Loaf.
Well, technically Meat Loaf reached out to them, but we’ll roll with it.
Meat Loaf is just so… Meat Loafy, that he cannot be a mere human. He is the answer to all questions. He’s the guy who supported Mitt Romney even though legally he couldn’t actually vote. He’s the guy who supports Hartlepool United, a team I barely even recognize, despite loving soccer. He’s the guy who’d do anything for love, but not that, yet cannot possibly be made of flesh. You get the idea.
A tour of her “haunted” house, on a private island of all places, left our lord Meat Loaf full of confidence and lacking in fear. He knew, as we all did, that nothing fazes Meat Loaf.
Certainly not goatees.
On to the investigation. Almost immediately, the batteries in both a camera held by a cameraman and Meat Loaf’s personal camera drained. Cause? Well duh, Meat Loaf’s gotta drain the power into himself so he can stop his radiance from destroying the mere mortals around him. Obviously.
The night progresses and gets increasingly boring because Meat Loaf’s not there, and some shadow stuff happens… I don’t know, it’s just like they’re being told “pretend this thing happened.” Look, there have been several episodes where they just sorta find nothing then leave.
Eventually, Meat Loaf, being the cunning trickster that he is, announces quite loudly that he’s going to leave his water bottle in the bathroom so someone can move it, and then goes off to sit down, as Meat Loaf is wont to do. The investigators go back in about twenty minutes later to find the bottle has been moved from being at the sink to on the toilet. Now you may wonder how that could have happened. Here’s my theory.
In an attempt to prove to the world he doesn’t really get angry when people move his stuff, Meat Loaf used his godlike powers to move the bottle to his favorite place, the toilet, and remained calm throughout.
A lull in the storm, really.
Meat Loaf eventually plays a prank on some guy then mistakes a bug on the camera for a ghost. It’s almost adorable, really. The case was to find out just what was going on at this house on the island, but what they uncovered instead was the all-powerful omnipresent Meat Loaf, our lord and master.
Or he could just be batshit bonkers. Please enjoy these actual, 100% real quotes spoken by Meat Loaf during his adventure.
Article by contributor David Parkinson.