LaserTime’s WWE Night of Champions 2015 predictions: make yours too!

antista-noc
CHRIS’ PREDICTIONS

1 – NEVILLE & THE LUCHA DRAGONS VS. STARDUST & THE ASCENSION (KICKOFF MATCH)
I like Stardust and all, but at best I predict this match looks like the worst fighting game ever released on the Sega Saturn

2 – WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS THE NEW DAY VS. THE DUDLEY BOYZ
Obviously I’m going to side with the tag team with the trombone, but I have to imagine we’ll need to see The Dudz win something to justify the sizable paychecks Vince just cut to these overweight geriatrics.

3 – DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. RUSEV
The most exciting character in this match, Lana, has been a lot less fun to watch in her denim Debbie Gibson threads, so I don’t care who wins as long as it sends her back to Rusev, and more importantly, back into dem dresses!

4 – DEAN AMBROSE, ROMAN REIGNS AND A PARTNER OF THEIR CHOOSING VS. THE WYATT FAMILY
Who gives a fuck about the match?! We all wanna know who that third man is. Hanks is hoping it’ll be Daniel Bryan, so I’m hoping it isn’t just to see him sad. But if I may follow his lead and make a pie-in-the-sky prediction, I’m gonna have to say Hulk Hogan. In blackface. Singing Al Jolson songs. So that we may witness the most post-politically correct heel the world has ever known. Cringe all ya want, you know you wanna see it too!

5 – DIVAS CHAMPION NIKKI BELLA VS. CHARLOTTE
If, as I usually predict, the delivery chicken wings have arrived, I’ll probably have to go with Blue Cheese. And Nikki better be pinned by the time I’m done flossing. [TexAveryWolf.gif]

6 – INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION RYBACK VS. KEVIN OWENS
I predict a steroid-fueled vein bursts in Rybacks neck, spraying all over Kevin Owens beard. Ryback’s blood has a surprisingly parasitic effect on Owens facial hair, and the audience watches in awe as Owens beard is not only dyed the same color, but retreats in his face, taking the same look and shape as Ryback’s closely kempt beard. The two fearsome opponents stare deeply into each others’ eyes, realize they’re not so different, and decide to become best friends. They then leave the ring hand and hand as the Top Gun theme plays. The winner is once again America.

7 – UNITED STATES CHAMPION SETH ROLLINS VS. JOHN CENA
This match will seem to be going completely in Rollins favor until the seven minute mark, when John Cena will point at the Titantron and call in a surprise partner as revenge for Rollins win at Summerslam (unless he didn’t win, then stop reading.) Craig Kilborn will then emerge, perform his patented “Moment of Zen” technique on Rollins (basically a folding chair across the back) and the two will leave the ring triumphant and Jerry Lawler will announce a hashtag campaign to oust Trevor Noah as the host of The Daily Show and return Kilborn to his rightful throne.

8 – WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION SETH ROLLINS VS. STING
Rollins will begin the match using a string of insults, not only accusing Sting of being “nothing” since he left The Police, but also mercilessly mocking his unused musical contributions to The Emperor’s New Groove soundtrack. As we all know, that’s a line you don’t fucking cross with Sting. He jumps down, reaches under the apron and pulls out a 15th century lute and serenades the audience with his 1999 hit single, “Brand New Day.” Which immediately summons The New Day! Who descend from the ceiling in way shinier costumes than earlier in the night, shooting pyrotechnics at Rollins in greater and greater unison, making for yet another glorious onscreen Final Fantasy reference. I then predict A) Dave doesn’t read this or B) Never asks me to write predictions again.

Up next… Grimm’s picks!

24 thoughts on “LaserTime’s WWE Night of Champions 2015 predictions: make yours too!

  1. 1) Nevile and the Lucha Dragons
    2) New Day in some screwy but fun fashion
    3) Ziggler
    4) Wyatt Family but the mystery partner for Reigns/Ambrose is either Samoa Joe or Daniel Bryan.
    5) Charlotte, I am literally sick to death of the Bellas. The only reason why they’re the top divas is because of Spousal Nepotism.
    6) Kevin Owens (Only so he can have even more sick matches with Cesaro)
    7) LOL Cena Wins
    8) Sting because The Authority screwed Seth Rollins

    Theme: Bayley’s indie theme: “Misery Buisness” by Paramore: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOQtB0xTiek

  2. 1 – NEVILLE & THE LUCHA DRAGONS
    2 –THE NEW DAY
    3 –RUSEV
    4 – DEAN AMBROSE, ROMAN REIGNS AND A PARTNER OF THEIR CHOOSING
    5 –CHARLOTTE
    6 –. KEVIN OWENS
    7 –. JOHN CENA
    8 – WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION SETH ROLLINS 14:07

  3. Stardust and his cosplay road warrior goons
    New Day
    Ziggler, even though hes been the biggest prick in the world throughout this whole angle (WWE Booking is the worst)
    Ambrose, Reigns and ? Hope its bryan or joe, but it will probably be kane or eric rowan (fart noise)
    Nikki Bella because the damage is done Let her keep her tainted belt.. The ‘Divas Revolution’ has been a letdown have paige turn heel on charlotte and cost her the match and let them actually be their own characters with actual motivations.
    Ryback, because thats the worst possible decision in this scenario . I hope im wrong, Ryback is awful in every aspect and Owens could do great things with the IC belt,
    Cena

  4. The only acceptable partners for Reigns & Ambrose: 1. Daniel Bryan, 2. Sami Zayn, 3. Samoa Joe 4. The Rock 5. Seth pulling triple duty. But none of those will happen, it will either be Orton, Kane or some mystery Uso brother we’ve never heard about before.

  5. Also, need to point out that this Rollins dual champ bit is veeeeeery similar to what Ring of Honor have already been doing with Jay Lethal

  6. 1. Stardust and the Ascension – There’s no celebrity to push this time around and both Stardust and the Ascension just need a goddamn win. Either way, Neville deserves better than this.
    2. The Dudley Boyz – Sure, The New Day could easily grease a win using the their extra man, but salty New Day is hilarious and seeing them kick up a fuss over losing to the Dudleys would make for a great lead-in to the next PPV. Also, seeing them lose the title and overreact about it would make the story more compelling when they have to win their titles back from the Dudleys… in a tables ladders and chairs match. Against some tag teams, that would be a challenge. Against the Dudley Boyz, that’s a mountain.
    3. Ziggler – I don’t care what anyone says, Russev and Lana are getting back together. It’s just a matter of when. They were far more interesting as a pair and the only good payoff from this feud would be seeing Lana turn on Ziggler and go back to the Bulgarian Brute. As much as I want to see that happen tonight, this doesn’t feel like the right PPV for it. They still have some awful plot lines with those four that don’t seem like they’ve run their course yet.
    Russev is defeated and humiliated tonight, (and maybe… slightly humbled?) but Ziggler takes his win too far and the seeds are planted for Lana to returning to Russev and having their Macho Man/Miss Elizabeth moment.
    4. The Wyatts – The newest member of the Wyatt family is a goddamn monster and this is his first WWE PPV. Mystery partner or not. Unless Reigns and Ambrose have Eric Rowan waiting in the wings, there is no other way this thing should go.
    5. Charlotte – The new record has been set and you’ve been playing with an expanded roster of good female talent for months now. It’s time. Also calling that Paige turns heel during or after this match. The losing streak, the fact that she was the one originally calling for change, and the insinuations from the announce team all point to it. Besides, this “we can’t have one woman out without all three” thing has got to stop. (That and the use of the word “Revolution”)
    6. Kevin Owens – Ryback’s rise the last year or so has been mostly alright to see, but Kevin Owens is just more interesting to watch and him over-inflating his new title win would elevate the IC title in it’s own way.
    7. Seth Rollins – Yes, John Cena had some great matches during his US run which got some great performances out of guys we didn’t usually get to see. (He even gave us a pretty good match with Zack Ryder) Still, Rollins has kept his title this long and despite him being booked as a heel, he’s been dragged kicking and screaming into becoming a better champion. It won’t be clean, but Rollins retains.
    8. Sting, (BUT…) – Sting wins over Rollins but it’ll be through something like a DQ or a count out. Sting’s presence would be diminished with another PPV loss, but having him hold the WWE title doesn’t make much sense either. Sting gets his win, Seth gets to keep his title and act like an asshole about it afterwards.

  7. Cosmic Wasteland
    The New Day
    Rusev
    Roman and Dean and their special partner Shock Master
    Charlotte
    Kevin Owens
    John Cena
    Sting wins 15:30 minutes in and then as he Celebrates Sheamus cashes in a gets the title cause we need to lose the brief case

    As for a theme I pick Sheiky Baby https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9gsRBsM4yw

    I put you in the Camel Clutch, I break your Back, I fuck in the ass, I make you Humble!

  8. 1) Neville & Lucha Dragons vs. Cosmic Wasteland – WINNER (Cosmic Wasteland)
    2)The New Day vs. The Dudley Boyz – WINNER (New Day)
    3) Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev – WINNER (Who fucking cares, Rusev, I guess)
    4) Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose & a mystery partner vs. The Wyatt Family – WINNER ( Reigns, Ambrose & NXT Call-up)
    5) Nikki Bella vs. Charlotte – WINNER (Charlotte)
    6) Ryback vs. Kevin Owens – WINNER (KO)
    7) Seth Rollins vs. John Cena – WINNER (Rollins)
    8) Seth Rollins vs. Sting – WINNER (Rollins)
    9) Shamus Cash in – WINNER (Rollins)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOxugmEup_s

  9. 1. Stardust and losers beat Neville and losers.
    2. New Day gets a lucky win vs Team 3D setting off a nice rematch (and this is my pick for match of the night)
    3. Rusev Def Ziggy Pop
    4. 2/3 Shield defeat the White Trash Express aka Wyatts (every match after this will disappoint and I say this as someone only buying the network to watch Sting vs Rollins)
    5. Charlotte wins the title off Nikki since WWE has already accomplished it’s “fuck you” to AJ
    6. Kevin Owens wins against Ryback (I hope, if not WWE is fucking clueless)
    7. Cena takes the US title back in a match that is worse than many hoped for since Rollins couldn’t give less shits about this belt
    8. Seth Rollins takes down Sting with some mystery bs. The retarded freak Sheamus teases a cash-in but nobody gives a shit because it’s Sheamus.

  10. 1. Stardust & The Ascension
    2. Dolph Ziggler
    3. The Dudleys (much as it pains me to say it)
    4. Kevin Owens
    5. Charlotte
    6. The Wyatt Family
    7. John Cena
    8. Seth Rollins in 17:15

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *