Don’t sue me, David Letterman.

Sylvester Stallone won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor, yo! Creed was a great movie, so I’m happy to see my bro recognized. But when Sly gave his acceptance speech, he forget to mention 10 very important things, so I filled in the gaps for him.

10. Jesus

It’s cliche, but you gotta do it.

9. AIDS, for taking care of that no-good traitor Tommy.

Sometimes the toughest fights are outside of the ring.

8. George Washington Duke, for not suing.

Rocky V has some lingering threats.

7. Michael B. Jordan, because the Bulls were awesome in the 80s.

And also the guy who played Apollo Creed’s son.

6. HGH (allegedly)

You can’t prove anything!

5. Needles (see above)

4. One Russian person, for changing

You’re an Expendable now, Dolph.

3. Colonel Trautman

He was the only one to bring Sly back from the brink.

2. Adrian

Yo!!!

1. Me, Moan4Stallone

I mean, who else is writing Sylvester Stallone fan fiction well into their 30s?

Moan4Stallone is Laser Time’s Sly-master, obviously. Hit him up on Twitter to talk tough guy stuff any time.