5 – Kabuki Actor
Who knew Channel 6 had such diverse programming? The inclusion of a kabuki warrior amongst The Simpsons Arcade Game’s baddies is a bit confusing, but it does work within Konami’s wheelhouse. If you were a 90s kid running through TSAG, seeing this boss alongside his purple-clad ninja friend probably recalled memories of playing the TMNT unit in 1989. And look, it’s right across the hall at your local arcade and your same foursome can hop over and kick some shell. As for the Kabuki Actor himself, he’s brandishing a pretty sick blade so he’s more of a threat than most enemies.
4 – Bear
The bear may be a bit underwhelming in terms of attacks, but the big grizzly creature makes up for it with storyline motivations. Think about it… Maggie is missing and Mr. Burns is putting every human enemy he can between the Simpsons family and that jewel. It’s kinda weird for an animal to join Burns’ cause, but a bear would want to attack the rest of Our Favorite Family out of rage, since they lost the bears’ leader (and main provider of pacifiers). The bear’s offensive output may be a bit on the tame side, but it looks cool so it beats out most of the indecipherable enemies.
3 – Werner von Brawn
Sorry to let my wrestling podcast host logic seep in here, but how much of a threat can Werner von Brawn be if he had to cheat to defeat Rasputin the Friendly Russian? While his scale it slightly messed up with compared to future guest star Bret “Hitman” Hart, WvB is *just* familiar enough to be a first boss, and the brief shot of the wrestler in a business suit before the battle is enough to convey that he’s sold out to Mr. Burns. The one downside to this grappler as a boss is that he reminds you that Truckasaurus is nowhere to be seen despite existing in the Simpsons universe at the time of development.
2 – Mr. Burns
While he’s far from a great leader on the show, Burns is one boss boss in The Simpsons Arcade Game. He’s everything you want in a final boss – he takes a far bigger form than his feeble figure, transforms multiple times, and unloads plenty of firepower onto any Simpson unlucky enough to stand in his path. The transition between his forms is a little weird — where most bosses would evolve into giants or demons, Burns just changes his wheels — but he still has a level of badassery that makes him one of TSAG’s best enemies.
1 – Smithers
Awful voice acting aside, Smithers is the bomb in The Simpsons Arcade Game… literally! As far as difficulty goes, Smithers strikes a pretty great balance; he regularly tosses tricky bombs, but he doesn’t have the crummy “you go die now” massive attacks like the Krusty Balloon’s ground pound or Mr. Burns’ nuke. A caped, bomb-toting Smithers may not work within the character’s history, but it doesn’t look completely foreign. If I could lob one complaint, I’d say that those explosives are a bit too tiny. You want a bomb bigger than a grapefruit, while these are only slightly larger than a cherry bomb. Anywho, Smithers totally steals the show in TSAG, and we’d gladly welcome him to our world.
What are your thoughts on our boss ranking? Do you have any other favorite enemies from The Simpsons Arcade Game? Join in the anniversary celebration and chat about TSAG below! Want to learn more of Our Favorite Family’s origins? Check out the Talking Simpsons podcast! Want to watch this game in motion? Check out our playthrough of The Simpsons Arcade Game below!