The race to White House was definitely a wild one. Only the one true Legend can make sense of it all.
The Iron Sheik is known for many things: WWF World Heavyweight Champion, innovator of the Camel Clutch, social media’s utmost authority. From his place atop the world’s stage, the Sheik dispenses universal wisdoms on Twitter and Facebook on a daily basis. And obviously, the intricacies of the 2016 Presidential Election did not the escape his ever-watchful eyes. In fact, he reached his arms around the neck of the entire election process, put it in the Camel Clutch, and nearly snapped the whole thing’s spine.
So, with the Iron Sheik as our insightful guide, join us as we look back at the last year two years of political absurdity.
Election season more-or-less began in March 2015, as 17 Republicans formally announced their candidacies over the span of few months. Though this crucial time in the Republican primaries saw the rise of leading candidates like Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, the Iron Sheik was far too important to bother with the trivial concerns of the GOP. He’d rather just let all those Jabronis figure out things for themselves.
Rather, the Legend first entered the political ring alongside Hillary Clinton when she formally announced her candidacy in April.
It seemed that Sheikie Baby even considered serving as Clinton’s running mate. His Tag Team Championship certainly speaks toward his experience.
Whatever his decision on the Democratic side, Sheik’s unconcern for the Republican primaries came to an end in September, during the party’s second debate. This event saw 11 main participants take the debate stage, although not a single one impressed the Champion.
His statements were far from an exaggeration. The Iron Sheik actually won Madison Square Garden’s first-ever Battle Royal, earning him a title shot against champion Bob Backlund. That match saw the Legend defeat 19 superstars, so these GOP pushovers wouldn’t stand a chance.
The following months saw more and more Reublican candidates suspend their campaigns,. Maintaining his scrutiny over the party, he Champ again spoke out during the GOP’s fifth debate in December. As Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Marco Rubio argued over immigration and foreign policy, the Sheik extended an open invitation to Suplex City.
The primary process finally began to wind down on Super Tuesday 2016, with Trump and Clinton leading their respective parties. The Legend quickly recognized the futility implied by these results.
The primaries had clearly spelled disaster for America. So, in an event of utmost magnitude, the Iron Sheik was given no choice but to formally announce his own presidential campaign to rival those of Clinton and Trump.
With credentials unmatched in the modern world, the Legend was certainly the best man for the job. So the following day, candidate Sheik made his presence known at the final Republican debate. Trump, Cruz, Rubio, and Kasich thought they could come out on stage swinging, but they found themselves in a true fight when confronted with the World Champion.
And he certainly gave all opponents a stern talking to.
In the weeks to follow, the Sheik developed his platform and laid out comprehensive domestic policy.
Speaking of Jabronis, in May, Ted Cruz officially announced his withdrawal from the candidacy, having taken too much abuse in the political arena. Donald Trump may have taken a lot of credit for Cruz’s demise, but we all know who really forced the candidate to accept submission.
And so the primary war raged on. John Kasich quickly followed in Cruz’s footsteps, leaving Donald Trump as the presumptive Republican nominee. Though a significant victory, Trump had to remain cautious of a big-time suplex.
Trump just couldn’t stay under the radar though. Serving the Republican’s presumptive nominee made him the star of their National Convention in July. The result was — as predicted — a political circus of exaggerations, name-calling, and celebrity appearances.
The Sheik didn’t even bother showing up to the convention, perhaps due to the sheer idiocy of the event or perhaps because he was inducted into the National Wrestling Hall of Fame that same weekend.
Whatever the reason, the Legend’s appraisal of the Democratic National Convention a week later was no more positive.
Not even the eventual nomination of Hillary Clinton could curb the Sheik’s frustration.
With the apparent failings of the Democratic convention thus far, it was surprising that only a speech by President Obama could re-capture the Sheik’s respect and cause him to question the magnitude of the election ahead.
By the end of the weekend, it was rather clear that the American people had chosen Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton as the leading presidential nominees. The Sheik’s question was now on everyone’s mind: which nominee was real enough to run the country, and which was too much of jabroni to handle the job?
But what of the Legend?
Well, by this time, as unfortunate as it was, we knew the United States just wasn’t ready for the presidency of the Iron Sheik. After being snubbed by both National Conventions and disrespected by various members of the political elite, the Champ quietly withdrew from the running, leaving Trump and Clinton to clash in the election’s Main Event.
Instead, the Sheik would take up a new, revolutionary platform. Find out more on page two!