It’s the Ultimate Thrill Ride… of predictions! If you’re the best at predicting what goes down during WrestleMania, you’ll get a shoutout and choice of song on an upcoming Cheap Popcast. Read Dave, Brett, and Grimm’s picks, and then make your own!
It’s finally here; WrestleMania! We’re excited as heck for WWE’s biggest show of the year with videos and articles aplenty, but the real sign that a big WWE show is imminent is our predictions contests, where you can read what LT’s rasslin experts think of the upcoming event and make your own voice known. To get hyped, we also streamed WrestleMania 33’s biggest matches with WWE 2K17, and you can check out the proceedings below!
Anywho, here’s how the contest goes. your Laser Time pals will make picks in this here article, and then open up the replies to you awesome listeners. You will then pick a winner (or if you’re feeling frisky, a rare draw/no contest) for each match (don’t worry about getting the finish right, I’m just looking for winners, if any), and then, just in case there’s a tie for correct predictions, pick a running time for the final match listed (the presumed main event) as a tiebreaker.
If you have the most correct predictions, you can make your mark on the next Cheap Popcast episode (exclusive to Patreon) by choosing a theme to close a segment. Pick the wrestler theme and include a YouTube URL to a wrestler’s theme alongside your predictions (including the running time of the Universal Championship match) and I’ll give you a shout-out on the next Patreon popcast. Got it? Good. Now, onto each LaserTimer’s predictions!
1 – Kickoff Match – Cruiserweight Champion Neville vs Austin Aries
I’m a little sad that the Cruiserweight Title isn’t a multi-man match or even just a lumberjack match so that other Cruisers like The Brian Kendrick, Rich Swann, Akira Tozawa, and ESPECIALLY Jack Gallagher can make WrestleMania appearances, but I can’t complain about Neville getting a ‘Mania title defense after a pre-WrestleMania injury last year. While Austin Aries has had a good build, Neville is still the division’s biggest name and needs a few more defenses to sell his “King of the Cruiserweights” gimmick before someone like Hideo Itami unseats The Man That Gravity Forgot.
2 – Kickoff Match – Smackdown Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss vs Carmella vs Natalya vs Becky Lynch vs Mickie James vs Naomi
I’m thinking the Kickoff show starts with some heelish lows before hitting the ultimate face underdog high, and having Naomi lose IN HER HOMETOWN AT WRESTLEMANIA AFTER COMING BACK FROM INJURY seems to fit the bill quite well. Smackdown’s women’s ranks have also benefitted from fewer title changes, so I say Alexa re-asserts some dominance before losing the belt in a month or two.
PICK: Alexa Bliss
3 – Kickoff Match – Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal (announced participants: Mojo Rawley, Apollo Crews, Big Show, Curt Hawkins, Braun Strowman, Goldust, R-Truth, Primo, Epico, Curtis Axel, Bo Dallas, Jinder Mahal, Sami Zayn, Fandango, Tyler Breeze, Dolph Ziggler, Rhyno, Heath Slater, Jason Jordan, Chad Gable, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, Mark Henry, Sin Cara, Titus O’Neil, Konnor, Victor, Aiden English, Simon Gotch)
Sami Zayn getting relegated to the ATGMBR is a bit sad when compared to his blood rival’s much bigger build, but I think Zayn’s extra hurdle to qualify for the battle royal already gives him more character motivation. It’s a shame we’re not getting Shaq-Big Show, but we don’t need a repeat winner, and I think Braun getting sneakily eliminated to end the match is a good capper to Strowman’s beef with Zayn. Plus, we’ve had two straight years of big men winning the Andre trophy… can’t we get a small dude to win once?
PICK: Sami Zayn
4 – Raw Tag Team Champions The Club vs Enzo & Big Cass vs Sheamus & Cesaro (Triple Threat Ladder Match)
WrestleMania is big on delayed gratification, and The Realest Guys In The Room have spent their entire careers falling *just* short of winning tag titles of any variety. After Zack Ryder’s underdog win did gangbusters to open up WrestleMania 32, I think we get a similar scenario where Enzo finally backs up his big mouth and pulls down the belts to kick off WrestleMania 33 proper.
PICK: Enzo & Cass
5 – Intercontinental Champion Dean Ambrose vs Baron Corbin
Dean, your career progress… woof. While his Shield mates Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns are facing two of the biggest names in wrestling history, Ambrose is defending a B-tier belt against a guy who debuted on the main roster just one year ago. Ambrose is ghosting the IC belt the same way he did the US belt back in the day, so I don’t think keeping the strap on a guy who has no use for it makes any sense. While a part of me thinks Ambrose breaks through his WrestleMania singles futility (powerbombed out of 31 and a sub-par loss to Brock at 32), I’m of the mindset that Corbin needs a win more than Ambrose, so Baron’s streak begins with a title win here.
PICK: Baron Corbin
6 – John Cena & Nikki Bella vs The Miz & Maryse (Mixed Tag Match)
Even though Cena has become a much more giving performer over the last three or four years, Cena’s WrestleMania 27 loss to the Miz probably still sticks in the dude’s craw. He got his loss to The Rock avenged the next year, and even though it didn’t happen at WrestleMania, Cena’s beat Orton so much elsewhere that his other major loss has been canceled out. While I do think The Miz has a big 2017 ahead, I’d be gobsmacked if Cena goes two down against The Miz at WrestleMania.
PICK: Cena & Nikki
7 – United States Champion Chris Jericho vs Kevin Owens
While Jericho is on the way out, I’m predicting bigger things for KOMania 2. Part of that is Jericho pulling out a surprise win at ‘Mania, followed by a KO beatdown and more activities for Owens at WrestleMania 33.
8 – Shane McMahon vs AJ Styles
Winning doesn’t really matter for Shane McMahon, especially at WrestleMania. If Shane defies death or falls from a great height, he’s already won. To that end, AJ Styles should get a WrestleMania win to make up for last year, and he can hopefully win at what is usually a big man’s game; making a brawl with Shane look good.
PICK: AJ Styles
9 – Raw Women’s Champion Bayley vs Charlotte vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax (Elimination Match)
This is a tough one, as I can easily picture any of the four winning the strap at ‘Mania. I’ll discount Charlotte since she won the first-ever Women’s Championship match at ‘Mania last year (though maybe she’ll start a WrestleMania streak to rival her previous PPV streak). Nia is getting better all the time, but isn’t quite ready to be Raw’s top lady (though she’s got the element of surprise on her side). Nobody’s worked harder in the Women’s division than Sasha Banks, so this would be the proper culmination of her rise (though a loss would be a good impetus for a heel turn). I don’t see a lot of face-friendly endings in the other title matches going forward, so I say Bayley takes this one, last eliminating Sasha (though you can see how wishy-washy I am here).
10 – Seth Rollins vs Triple H (Non-sanctioned Match)
Hmm, another toughie. Triple H has been on a win-one lose-one pattern since 2012 (lost to Taker at 28, beat Brock at 29, lost to Bryan at 30, beat Sting at 31, lost to Roman 32) so simple math says Triple H goes over this time. Plus, if you’re going to transition Rollins into a feud with a full-timer like Samoa Joe, Kevin Owens, or Finn Balor, it would help to have said rival cost Seth his chance at redemption. Plus, like Naomi, Seth already wins a moral victory for coming back so quickly to make WrestleMania.
PICK: Triple H
11 – The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns
I know it’s weird to think that Undertaker winning is a surprise pick of the night, but I think you can have your desired outcome for Roman Reigns regarless if he wins or loses. A gutsy effort and handshake works in making him a face, while a post-match attack can push him into heel territory (whereas a win only makes people hate Reigns). I think we’re due a Shield reunion soon after we get the post-Mania roster shifts, and I think a good impetus for that is all three members losing at WrestleMania. Plus, there’s no way ‘Taker calls it a career until he takes on John Cena at WrestleMania.
PICK: The Undertaker
12 – WWE Champion Bray Wyatt vs Randy Orton
If there’s anyone on the entire WrestleMania card who deserves (and desperately needs) a WrestleMania win, it’s Bray Wyatt. After losing to Cena and Taker in back-to-back years before getting clowned on by The Rock last year, Wyatt needs to nip his anti-streak in the bud, and Randy Orton is one of the most teflon performers in the company who can easily take a loss and still look strong. Plus, Bray’s first singles title in nearly five years shouldn’t be a one-month dud… I say Wyatt keeps the belt for another month or two at least. Hopefully we get a Sister Abigail reversed into an RKO in the process!
PICK: Bray Wyatt
13 – Universal Champion Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar
I’m still pretty cheesed that Brock Lesnar’s first clean loss after breaking The Undertaker’s streak was to put over a 50-year-old part timer. Their subsequent meetings haven’t really helped make this match seem like it’ll be any more exciting than their roundly-dismissed WrestleMania 20 match, but hopefully a belt on the line, a main event slot, and the knowledge that at least one of the competitors will be back in the future helps make this match matter a bit more and will motivate the talent involved. I still say it’s short, slightly sweet, and it ends with Brock finally looking good after months of futility against Goldberg. That said, I’ve been calling it for weeks and the only way to avoid the Universal title from becoming the WWE Title circa 2014 is by immediately transitioning the belt to a full-timer, so I say Kevin Owens calls in his rematch right after Brock’s win and steals Raw’s biggest prize a la Seth Rollins in 2015.
PICK: Brock Lesnar
RUNNING TIME: 11 minutes
Up next… Brett’s picks!
12 thoughts on “Laser Time’s WrestleMania 33 Predictions – Make Your Own Picks And Win!”
Enzo and Cass
Miz and Maryse
Rollins with Interference from Balor
Reigns for ultimate heat
Lesnar in 5 minutes
Theme: John Morrison’s Lenny Kravitz knock off theme:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcdUlg_tTvk
Neville retains: Just the beginning for this feud.
Braun Strow-Man: Would love Zayn to have a moment but this is their next monster WWE has created.
Naomi: Even with WWE’s love for screwing hometown favorites not named The Rock, I can’t see her not walking out as champ. Also expect to see some returning surprise entrants from the past added to this match i.e Kelly Kelly and/or Michelle McCool as her husband could be wrestling his last match at this Mania.
Gallows and Anderson retain: Just factoring in the Hardy’s make the Club my pick. Though they could end up on the blue brand involved with Wyatt in some capacity. (More on that below.)
Baron Corbin: Gives the guy something big on his resume and Ambrose seems to be the guy who gets people over by being beaten by them.
John Cena and Nikki Bella: Double AA, double STF and Mr. Cena gets down on one knee for a proposal that will be shown on WWE screens for a very long time…. OR keep Miz and his hot streak alive by attacking Cena before he gets the chance to pull out the ring from his jorts. Keeps Miz/Cena feud ongoing and Cena is spared the night sweats of facing marriage again. But that’s only wishful thinking as they hired Al Roker as guest RING announcer so I’m guessing the proposal goes through and Cena and Mrs. Cena will be on the Today show the day after to promote their upcoming wedding as well as Wrestlemania for the Network.
Kevin Owens: Good luck with the Fozzy tour Jericho. This feud will continue when you come back.
A.J Styles: Gonna go out on a limb and say despite not looking forward to this bout, this will be the match of the night. Or at the very least the one you’ll remember from this Mania even long after it’s over. Styles is amazing not only in the ring but people remember the amount of Russo-esque crazy shit he pulled off in TNA. Jumping off the scaffolding 20 feet above the ring, powerbombed through a glass structure, etc. I expect nothing less than covering my eyes in dreaded anticipation for some spots in this match.
Bayley: I had a hard time picking between her and Sasha. It will come down to those two. Just who WWE favors to walk out as champ is unpredictable. I suspect Bayley will keep the title but will be broken at the hands of Sasha, setting up a post match dickish heel attack a la Y2J on HBK at Mania 19. Charlotte had more than enough of a run and deserves some time out of the spotlight. Nia Jax was literally a throw in for this match, will have some moments of strength and be double/triple teamed into the back.
Rollins: Still can’t get my head around how Seth returned so quick after that injury. He’ll be rewarded handsomely with a win over Haitch. I also expect him to pull out a new finishing move.
Reigns: Sigh. Taker looked worse at the Rumble than he did at Mania 30, which was the only time he looked like a flabby out of shape guy who couldn’t go anymore. Vince loves Reigns and will shove this fact down people’s throats at all costs, whether it be muting the volume during his entrance or during his wins. The guy even has a variant of Taker’s old logo as his own! 2017 will be known as the year Hugh Jackman stopped playing Wolverine and the Undertaker’s historic career ends at the hands of the next dubbed company man.
Wyatt: WWE has built up this story for a longggg time. While conventional booking would have Orton succeed in his half a year long plan on pulling one over on his former master, Wyatt desperately needs a strong, decisive win at Mania. He can’t be the reverse Taker and simply lose at Mania every year. If the Broken Hardy’s don’t interfere with the tag match at Raw, I expect them to be shown in this match. Not against Wyatt, but WITH Wyatt. The concept of the Wyatt family is long overdone to death and with Harper finally splitting off (again) and Rowan still on the shelf, this is the perfect time for the returning Hardy’s to align themselves with a character just as weird as they are. Orton can continue his feud with Wyatt and now has to contend with them Broken Boys.
Bork Lazer in 8 mins 42 secs: The way Goldberg keeps talking about “taking punishment and preparing for some rough and tumble movements” in his out of character interviews makes me think this match will be mostly Bork tossing around Goldberg and beating him down continuously until his son says “stop, sto–op, he’s already dead”. Goldberg sells his beatdown and salutes the crowd before celebrating his retirement with his family in the ring and out of the wrestling world for good. Mania closes on a wet fart.
Theme – Edge’s best theme : “Never Gonna Stop”
Enzo and Cass
Cena and Bella
Lesnar in 7:35
Once again im gonna try for Rick Martels WCW Theme, Razzmatazz as its an amazing theme for the two months he wrestled for the company in 1998.
Cena and Nikki
Bork Lesnar in 4:20
And I forgot a theme, so Kassius Ohno’a theme from NXT
2 – Alexa Bliss
3- Sami Zayn
4 – Enzo & Cass
5 – Dean Ambrose
6 – The Miz (John Cena goes to check on Nikki, and it costs him the match, but then Cena does this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-4SP-ig8bM –
7 – Kevin Owens
8 – AJ Styles (I’m guessing there’s something more to the contract AJ signed, but I think he still pulls off a win. Long shot guess that it might be that a double count out for this one but I won’t bet on it.)
9 – Sasha Banks
10 –Triple H (Since there’s no rules I’m guessing Samoa Joe helps out Seth, and if ANYONE BUT Seth had been the one to cause Finn Balor’s injury he might to do a run in to help Seth and fight off Joe. But it’s WWE here so who knows.)
11 – The Undertaker (Stroman possibly comes to interfere and Roman save Undertaker from an attack earning him a respectiable hat tip from the Deadman, unless Stroman does a double clothesline and somehow attacks them both at the same time, the team up and everybody goes home happy.)
12 – Bray Wyatt (Please let Bray hang onto a belt for at least a month.)
13 – Brock Lesnar (Vince knows that Brock puts butts in seats, and him vs K.O when he cashes in his rematch clause down the line would be a good fight to see. KO getting suplexed! BAH GOD!)
RUNNING TIME: 7:14 minutes
Song Choice: If Dave can find the version that has WWE’s FAVORITE BAND IN THE WHOLE WORLD I want to hear it. Limp Bizkit – Crack Addict https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mS5Um4WZmU
Asuka if she shows up if not Mickie James
Nakamura wins the Andre if he shows up if not Braun
HardyBoyz if they show up if not Enzo & Cass
Banks w/ Heel turn
Rollins wins due to The Shield
Taker(I think this happens B4 Rollins/HHH setting up The Shield having something to prove)
Wyatt( he needs this and WWE needs Orton to not tie Flair b/c he’s at like 14)
Brock in 7….BUT Ballor shows up demands a match gets it and wins!
Song choice is AssMan by Billy Gunn
Cruiserweight title: aries def neville
Andre the giant battle royal: strawman
Smackdown women’s title: alexa bliss
Raw tag team champs: enzo and cass
IC title: corbin
Miz and maryse def cena/bella
US title: owens def Jericho
Aj def shane mcmahon
Raw women’s title: sasha
Triple h def rollins
Reigns def undertaker (no heel turn)
WWE TITLE: wyatt def orton
Universal champion: lesnar def goldberg running time, 15 minutes
song choice, ember moon theme (this song is the shit)
God my picks were shit.
Enzo Amore and Big Cass
John Cena and Nikki Bella
Brock Lesnar in 2 minutes
Song Choice : Chris Jericho’s first WCW theme w/lyrics (there was no lyrics in the WCW version, but it is LITERALLY the same song) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=do-9cJML16Y
Austin Aeris wins the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Mickie James wins the WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship
Braun Strowman for the 2017 André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Enzo Amore and Big Cass win the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship
Baron Corbin wins the WWE Intercontinental Championship
John Cena and Nikki Bella
Kevin Owens wins the WWE United States Championship
Bayley retains the WWE Raw Women’s Championship
Bray Wyatt retains the WWE Championship
Brock Lesnar wins the WWE Universal Championship in 10 minutes
Drew McIntyre Theme https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BY0PxoilxzM
enzo and cass
miz and maryse