Middle School Horror Stories – Laser Time #344

Puberty, cliques, athletics, drugs, bullies, grades! We seriously can’t think of a more tumultuous, painful, and awkward time to be alive, so get ready for a giant act of shared therapy as we relive the trauma of the unanimously worst time of our collective lives with personal anecdotes and some of our favorite depictions of middle school in popular culture!


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15 thoughts on “Middle School Horror Stories – Laser Time #344

  1. Battle Royale was about middle school?! Holy shit, guess I didn’t pay much attention to the sub titles. Always thought it was High School.

  2. So we don’t really have middle school in Australia so I’ll just go with grades 8-10 since those were the horror years for me.
    In 8th grade I asked out the girl I like who just so happened to be my best friend at the time she said yes surprisingly and we arranged to meet, unfortunately due to my poor communication skills she went to a different location and we didn’t really speak a lot after that and she moved away at the end of the year.

    In 9th grade I fell off my bike on the second week of school and had to get an x-ray that revealed I had an unrelated condition called ostiofibrosis dysplasia (a fibrous growth in my tibia) in November I was admitted in for surgery wherein I had 20 cm of bone removed and a lizarov frame attached to my leg (look it up it’s pretty knarly).
    10th grade was the worst though BC when I went back to school I ended up with maggots growing in the pin sites where the frame went through the bone and I spent six fucking months away from school.
    When I finally went back to school after all that time of not seeing my friends at all I remember sitting at the edge of the sports field (did I mention I was on crutches at the time) and a teacher tells me I have to leave bc I could get hurt, I spent the rest of the break crying in the fucking toilet, on my last day of school there some asshole punched me in my face during art class because he though I was laughing at his name during rollcall even though I had an obvious disability at the time and couldn’t ever fight back, I went to primary school with a few of his friends so I like to imagine he was pretty unpopular after that
    And that’s all I have to say about that, I still have the scaron my leg though which is pretty sick ass

  3. The worst event of my life was in Grade 6. I was a tomboy and I loved sports. I was a huge fan of Conan the Destroyer and wanted to be Grace Jones so I was horrified when my body betrayed me and I went from my flat chest to my current size (a C Cup) in THREE DAYS. I thought no one would notice so I kept doing sporty things until the captain of my basketball team came to talk to my dad and told him to buy me a bra.

  4. I had a radically different middle-school experience than the normal (stereotypical?) ones presented here, probably because I was extremely aware of who I was and was an unperturbable semi-sociopath because of it. My whole life, I had been overweight and unathletic, but not absurdly so. I went to the gifted-kid elementary school but didn’t make it into the gifted middle school on account of my nonexistent work ethic, so I (not unjustifiably) considered myself one of the smartest kids in the entire normal middle school I went to. I was obsessed with video games of every kind, and I spent every hour-long bus ride to and from school with my headphones in, singing out loud whatever I was listening to, which was invariably something nobody else on the bus was interested in, like Ben Folds or Weird Al. I was not interested in fitting in or being popular, and so it didn’t bother me at all any time they tried to make fun of me for anything I did. In retrospect, it seems weird that anybody ever tried, because it was so obvious I didn’t give a shit about what they thought.

    The one time anybody ever tried to physically bully me, I punched one of the guys in the face. It was at lunch, so everybody saw it, and it never happened again. My dad’s really old-school (born in the ’50s), so he just asked me if the guy deserved it and offered me literal zero other punishment beyond the suspension the school gave me.

    The only girl I ever really became friends with in middle school was a transfer student in my 8th grade English class, which was first period and therefore also homeroom. We talked a lot about Final Fantasy and anime. Also, one day we were playing doubles chess together, and I was an asshole to her, so she turned away from me and stopped talking and put jer head on her desk. A couple mid-tier jackasses at another table saw this, and pantomimed hitting themselves in the head with a textbook, implying that I should do same to her, because apparently violence to girls is hilarious. So I played it literally and hit myself in the forehead with my textbook. The girl–whom I am now married to–didn’t see any of this, but when I told her about it years later, she said it was incredibly sweet of me.

    I guess the lesson I want to impart from my middle-school experience is that if you know who you are and what you’re about, social anxiety kind of doesn’t have to be a big deal. (Not to say psychological trauma can’t still happen. All of mine was self-inflicted in high school and caused permanent damage to my relationship with my then-girlfriend/now-wife.) So if you have kids who are in middle school or will be soon, help them find their identity before they have to start figuring out what other people expect their identity to be.

  5. Sorry Chris, I had a great middle school experience, and it was a catholic school! I never got physically bullied for any length of time because the class I was in was together (same kids) from 1st till 8th grade so we were all pretty close. No priests either as it was mostly run by nuns AND they didn’t use rulers as punishment (thank god).

    Best memories were reading Game Pros/EGMs at lunch and pretending to be Street Fighter characters at recess. Most of the boys played either basket ball or video games or both so even though sports wasn’t my thing(but I could play a lil bit) I’ve always had games bringing me and other like minded people together. Girls weren’t an issue as they played amongst themselves and I got along with them so no akward moments there. Also I was the class clown so that was my plot armor.

    Maybe the worst thing that happened at school was one day I brought my OG Gameboy to class and the principal caught me with it. Never got it back, my mom didn’t buy it and I think she didn’t care. Fuck…

    Also, love Doug #bestNicktoon

  6. I wore basketball shorts over my boxers. And I ended up doing this until I was in college. When you brought that up I started cracking up.

    Middle school was awful for me and all the events you guys talked about where exactly what I went through.

  7. As for my own middle school horror stories, I legitimately found myself thinking “Huh, I guess I’m one of those assholes they’re talking about, who had an okay time back then…” before the memories began flooding back from whatever cobwebbed back corner of my mind where I’d shoved them.
    1. The daily, gnashing dread in the pit of my stomach EVERY DAY of seventh grade, as 7th period Athletics approached and I knew there was once again no way of dodging being the artsy chess club kid playing junior high football mainly because, in central Texas, that’s just what you DO as a boy entering junior high. I literally felt queasy and panicky throughout 6th period, every day for months.
    2. I separated my shoulder in football practice in that same hellish 7th grade. Which was a godsend. I never had to do that shit again! Except now I was the kid with his arm in a sling, which is a universally acknowledged and undeniable sign of weakness. One shithead even ran up to me during this time and twitched toward me as if to punch me, solely to take advantage of the “Two for flinching” rule where shitheads got to slug you twice on the arm, as hard as they could, if they made you flinch. He really wanted to punch my healing shoulder; I’m still not sure what vestige of humanity he had, that I talked him into slugging my other arm instead.
    3. I got pulled out of class, and got my fucking locker searched by the principal and a fucking COP they’d called, like my locker was the goddamned Ark of the Covenant. Why was I targeted for this, you ask? Well, because one of the dipshit football coaches (who also taught Texas History, which, yes, was an actual class somehow not taught while in spurs and chaps) saw the symbol that a friend and I were drawing on the backs of our hands and on our book covers, and thought it was something Satanic.
    This fucking hillbilly was up in arms over what was essentially an upside-down peace sign, minus one line segment. It was an in-joke with my friend in which one of us once said the word “yes” in a funny way and we just rolled with it, deciding it would be a de facto superhero emblem like the bat symbol. We turned a capital Y upside down and drew a circle around it, thus clearly hailing Satan.
    My dad was fucking SCARLET when he found out about this search. He was on the phone with multiple levels of the school district throughout the next 24 hours, lambasting anyone who’d dare pick up a phone.

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